A Family of Sorts
by Guttersnipe
Summary: Ch 7: Noticing Sasuke’s return, Suigetsu grinned easily, apparently not noticing how this situation looked from the other man’s view from the door, as he pulled on his pants and pointed at Sakura, commenting, “She’s good! She is good!” Team Hebi, SasuSaku
1. Who Pwns Whom? Part 1

A Family of Sorts

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. That copyright belongs to Masashi Kishimoto.

**Chapter 1: Who Pwns Whom? Part 1**

"I _will_ destroy you one day, Naruto! Mark my words!"

"Hai! Hai, Sakura-chan! I believe it! I _know _you will! Dattebayo! Just, when you do, please do so gently, dattebayo?"

"…Maybe."

"Thanks, Sakura-chan! And as part of your gentle destruction of me, could you maybe throw in buying me ramen at Ichiraku, you know, as a part of your promised gentle approach?"

"Don't push it, Naruto."

"Hai, Sakura-chan! It was just a thought! Dattebayo!"

The two team-mates were traipsing over to the sidelines of their training area, where their gear lay, Naruto's in toddler-level disarray, while the others' were slightly more organized. They had just finished their spar, with Naruto winning the match---by a _mild_ margin, Sakura's reclusive inner insisted. The other two members of Kakashi's Team Seven were hidden from view by a wall of trees, but the two resting teens could clearly hear the clashing of metal and the roar of various jutsus as their mentor and peer continued to duke it out.

After a few more minutes, silence rang supreme in Team Seven's old training grounds.

"Lunch at Ichiraku says it's Kaka-sensei."

"Pfft. You're on! Because it's definitely Sasuke-kun."

It had become a bit of a habit for Naruto and Sakura---likely due to the latter's shishou's bad habit of betting on everything that she could possibly lose money on---to place bets on who would win a spar between Kakashi and Sasuke.

Unfortunately for Naruto, of all the things Sakura had inherited from her shishou, terrible luck and bad betting strategies were not among of them.

Out of the foliage, two figures materialized. First came Sasuke, looking slightly ruffled, with a tidy collection of cuts and bruises, not to mention the drowned cat appearance he was sporting to accompany the "squish, squish" sounds he made as he walked, apparently a result from being caught by a water jutsu.

"Aha! Sasuke-teme lost! I knew it! Ramen, ramen, ramen! For free! Dattebayo!" Naruto was clearly ecstatic at the appearance of his rival/best friend, and took it to mean the bet had ended in his favour. Silly boy…

Walking just behind the soaking wet Sasuke---and yes, Sakura _did_ experience _great_ difficulty in directing her attention _away _from this vision to survey the person accompanying him---was their sensei, Hatake Kakashi. And the poor old man had never looked more ragged. With a grid of cuts and a bruise job that made his skin look like it was tie-dyed, not to mention the singed smell that accompanied him---was his hair smoking?---it became quite obvious who the worse for the wear was.

"You'd better have enough money for both of us, Naruto! I'm feeling quite famished all of a sudden!" Sakura crowed, a sly grin finding itself upon her lips.

"WHA! Kaka-sensei!" Naruto screeched. "You won, right? Please tell me you didn't let that teme beat you! _Please_, Kaka-sensei!" He was nearly whimpering now, as a pleading look---complete with puppy eyes and a down-turned lip---formed on his face. "I _need_ you to tell us that you beat that ugly loser!"

While Sasuke scowled at his loud team-mate and sent him a rather rude gesture in response to his comments, Kakashi opted to rub the back of his head and laugh with closed eyes, in that sheepish manner they had come to expect of him.

"Well, I can't say that I _won_, if that's what you want to hear."

Naruto let out a strangled whimper, his doom becoming clear as his sensei spoke.

"Really, Naruto. It's just a spar. It's not about winning and losing. It's about training for real battle and learning how your team-mates work," Kakashi finished, with a low chuckle.

A light to blot out the midday sun suddenly shone from Naruto's whiskered face. Beaming his most charming smile---which was a sure omen of ill-intent for anyone who knew him like his team-mates did---Naruto turned to Sakura and attempted an apologetic face. Such attempts were futile, of course, when his lips were twisted into a Cheshire grin, but Naruto was never one to bother with the subtler nuances of lying through one's teeth. Let's face it; the boy was just too honest to execute subterfuge properly. It could be a virtue or a curse. In this instance, it would prove to be the latter.

"Say, Sakura-chan," he began slowly and smoothly.

The addressed girl was, of course, immediately on guard. When Naruto was attempting to be calculating---something that was always blatantly obvious when he tried his unskilled hand at it---unpleasantness always, _always_ ensued.

He went on, not in the least bit wise to his friend's tight observation of him. "Kaka-sensei is right. It really _isn't_ about winning or losing. It's all about teamwork and preparing ourselves for real fights, so we can defend Konoha and help it prosper."

Boy was _he_ laying it on thick. She knew where this was going now. And there was _no way _she was letting him get away with it. Not. A. Chance.

"And since it's really about _teamwork_ and the prosperity of _Konoha_, and not at all about who won and who lost---"

"Naruto," Sakura interrupted, her face set in an unreadable mask.

"Yes, Sakura-chan?" Naruto responded, expectancy evident in his _glowing_ eyes, as he leaned forward and nodded for her to continue with her exempting him of having to pay for her lunch. Again, silly boy…

"You _are_ paying for my ramen today," she spoke evenly and seriously, not wanting to accidentally give him the impression that she was joking. Oh no. She was _very _serious. The boy had to learn that he could not just finagle his way out of deals when things didn't suit him.

"But… But, Kaka-sensei---" Naruto stuttered, attempting to save his _genius _plan to get out of his end of the bet.

"Kakashi-sensei explained that our sparring is about training ourselves to be better shinobi, so that we can serve our village to the best of out abilities." She stared the stuttering jinchuuriki down, daring him to interrupt her. His mouth was moving open and closed like a goldfish, but no sounds were escaping, which was fine by her. "Being a better shinobi also means holding true to our nindo, isn't that right, Naruto?" With a reluctant nod from the blonde, she continued. "And isn't your nindo to never go back on your word?"

The fox boy gave something that could have been the inbred cousin of a whimper and a growl. He knew he was _so_ screwed.

"What was that, Naruto? I couldn't quite understand what you said." She was goading him now, knowing full-well that he knew his place in their situation: at the short end of a _very_ pointy stick.

"Fine! But you can't have more than two bowls!" he muttered, pouting like a little boy who had just lost his playground privileges. "I need to eat too, you know…dattebayo."

"Two bowls is more than enough for me," Sakura replied with a superior nod and satisfied smile. There was nothing like exercising authority over people who could, _technically_, still beat her physically.

_Ha! They're nothing when it comes to my superior mind skills, though! Shannaro! _

"Well," Kakashi began, sensing the end of Naruto and Sakura's discussion. "I think we have time for one more spar, seeing as how I was _exceptionally_ early today."

A collective snort emanated from the three seventeen-year-olds. He had arrived a _shocking _three hours fifty-seven minutes and fourteen seconds late (Sakura kept track), as opposed to five hours, as was per his usual. What a feat.

Ignoring his students' _rude_ responses, Kakashi continued. "We'll have Sasuke and Sakura spar and Naruto will go with me."

The two pairs split up, each venturing to separate areas, allowing ample distance between them so their many highly destructive attacks would not interfere with the other sparring session.

"Hey, Kaka-sensei!" Naruto shouted at his teacher, giving away his position, and seemingly oblivious to the fact that they were in the middle of a _freaking_ _spar_ and he was _supposed_ to be aiming to _take_ _out_ his opponent, _not_ start a conversation with him.

The grey-haired man leapt out of hiding, brandishing a kunai and eyeing the blonde boy with a wary Sharingan eye. He knocked Naruto to his stomach, which elicited an "oomph" from the teen.

Kakashi held the kunai to his student's neck and muttered with a sigh, "Naruto, the idea is to put up a fight, not call me over for girl talk."

After squirming out from under his teacher's foot and the very sharp and pointy object said teacher had pressed to his throat, Naruto stood up with a huff and dusted his neon orange ninja suit of any debris that his little tumble may have caused to accumulate there.

Once he was satisfied that his orange ensemble was shining as brightly as it ever had, he turned to Kakashi with a foxy grin and whispered conspiratorially---though still far too loud for it to have prevented eavesdroppers from overhearing _every_ _tiny_ detail.

"Ne, Kaka-sensei! Who do you think will win?" the hyperactive ninja asked, nodding at his two team-mates in the distance, in the middle of a heated battle.

The jounin gave a sigh and cast a seemingly bored eye at the distant duo. "Naruto, didn't I _just_ go over this with you, and didn't Sakura _reiterate_ it after that? This isn't about winning and losing."

Naruto quirked his eyebrows and slightly shook his head. "Kaka-sensei. Sakura-chan wasn't _irate_ with me. She just said what you said again and twisted it so that I would have to make good on our bet."

Internally, Hatake Kakashi died another one one-hundredth. _The boy is hopeless…_ Externally, though, he responded, "I said '_reiterate_,' not '_irate_,' Naruto. They are very different words with equally different meanings."

"Oh," Naruto spoke, his 'obliviously thinking' look (wherein he gave every pretence of executing proper and fruitful thought processes, but was really working on a whole other level of incompetence) crossing his eyes. He then looked back up at his teacher and said, "You should try to enunciate better, Kaka-sensei."

The man opted to do the safest thing for his psyche and refused to pursue the matter any further. That boy's mind was beyond Kakashi's comprehension. There was _no_ way he was venturing into that realm unless absolutely necessary. No siree.

"So, who do you think will win?" Naruto asked, blue eyes sparkling in excitement. "I'm putting my money on the teme." At the grey-head's raised eyebrow, the blonde explained. "I know Sakura-chan is crazy-strong and all, but…and _don't _tell them I said this!" He earned a nod from his teacher and so he continued. "Sasuke's got that freaking Sharingan. Plus he's all fast-like, and has all those weird jutsus, and whatnot." He nodded his head slightly, reaffirming his own reasoning. "Sakura-chan is real good, but still. I gotta give props to the teme. I mean, _I_ have yet to beat him, though we've tied enough times." He grumbled the last part. "And Sakura-chan has yet to beat me, while I can outright beat her."

_Interesting…_

Kakashi was never one to pass up the opportunity to orchestrate it so that one of his students' actions came back to bite them on the derriere. So, he ever so nonchalantly said, "You say you'll put your money on that?"

"Oh yeah. I bet ramen at Ichiraku that the teme will win," Naruto nodded and glanced at his mentor. Raising a brow in surprise, he asked, "Are you agreeing to a bet with me, sensei?"

"I am," Kakashi answered, closed-eye-smile lending reassurance to the blonde before him.

"Yosh!" Naruto shouted. "If I win, _you _have to pay for both my ramen _and _Sakura-chan's."

"And if you lose, you have to pay for both Sakura's and mine," the sensei said, still smiling that same smile. As an afterthought, he added, "And you have to pay for Sasuke's too. He'll be needing a pick-me-up when he loses."

"_If_! _If _he loses!" Naruto argued. "Which he won't, 'cause I totally have this figured out! I'm so gonna win! Dattebayo!"

It was at the precise moment of Naruto's declaration of his imminent victory that Uchiha Sasuke lost to one Haruno Sakura.

At first, there was nothing but silence. Which was followed by more silence. And then, more silence. Suffice it to say, the training grounds were dominated by silence for a full two minutes before _someone_ saw fit to screech at a frequency that was just a couple hertz short of a dog whistle.

"WWWWWHHHHHAAAAATTTTT!!!!!!! TTTTTHHHHHEEEEE!!!!!!! HHHHHEEEEELLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!! JJJJJUUUUUSSSSSTTTTT!!!!!!! HHHHHAAAAAPPPPPEEEEENNNNNEEEEEDDDDD???????!!!!!!! TTTTTEEEEEMMMMMEEEEE!!!!!!! YYYYYOOOOOUUUUU!!!!!!! LLLLLOOOOOSSSSSTTTTT!!!!!!!"

Yes. It was none other than Uzumaki Naruto, who decided to end the heavy two minute silence with an even heavier two minute screech-a-thon.

"She beat him! But I don't get it. I can beat her; she can't beat me. Yet she can beat him, but I can't beat him, but he can beat me. How does that work?" Naruto scrunched up his face in _fierce _concentration, his mind trying _valiantly_ to decipher the humdinger of a puzzle he was now being faced with.

Kakashi patted him on the head like a puppy dog. "Don't strain yourself, Naruto."

"Kaka-sensei, it hurts!" Naruto cried, looking up at his teacher, pain in his blue eyes.

The two sparring partners neared the blonde and grey-haired man, a definite satisfied air positively _radiating _off a certain pink-haired kunoichi.

_Cha! Eat that, Naruto! I beat Sasuke-kun! Let's see _you _do it! Oh, what's that? You can't? Because you're not as strong as me? Ha ha! That's right! Shannaro!_

During Sakura's rather egotistical inner monologue, Naruto continued his screeching spree at Sasuke's loss.

"YOU LOST!!! What the heck is wrong with you?! I had ramen riding on you winning, you jerk!"

This last comment yanked Sakura out of her internal "I Rawks" fest, and induced a rather sinister aura to commandeer her person. With hard-edged eyes that would have sent a smart person running (read: _smart _person), she turned her gaze upon her blonde team-mate and let loose a low feral growl. "What was that, Naruto?"

The addressed shinobi turned to her and responded articulately with, "Huh?"

"You bet _against _me?! _ME?!_" Sakura cried, her screech nearly surpassing Naruto's.

"Ah---Sakura-chan!" Naruto squeaked, eyes wide and sweat pouring down his face in salty rivers. "It's not that I---What I mean is---I jus---I'm _sorry_, Sakura-chan!" Naruto wailed. He flung himself to his knees and clasped his hands in front of his chest in a begging stance.

It didn't work.

"Naruto," Sakura said in a dead-rage voice. "Come here."

"Uhmmm…"

"_Come here,_" she repeated, pointing at the spot beside her.

Naruto cringed and quivered as he whimpered, "You're going to hurt me, aren't you?"

Sakura didn't say a word. She merely stared ahead with dead-pissed eyes and pointed violently at the same spot again.

"Oohhh maaannnn…" Naruto whined, as he grudgingly trudged over to his doom.

**Guttersnipe's Word: **So this is a series of one-shots I've started. As the description says, it will involve Team Seven, along with some SasuSaku and NaruHina elements. _This_ chapter _does_ have a sequel, but _most_ of the instalments _will be independent_, so please keep that in mind.

Please visit Mr. Clicky down in his corner and review! Thanks!


	2. Who Pwns Whom? Part 2

A Family of Sorts

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. That copyright belongs to Masashi Kishimoto.

**Chapter 2: Who Pwns Whom? Part 2**

"Well! _That _was positively delicious! I don't know that ramen has _ever _tasted so good! Wouldn't you agree, Naruto?"

_Ooooohhh_, she was _really _testing his limits right now! Talk about rubbing salt in the wound (darn near literally, considering the battered noggin he was sporting from incurring his female team-mate's ire earlier); Sakura just _would not _stop gloating. Albeit subtly, but somehow the blonde boy was picking up on all her hidden jabs.

And he did _so_ not appreciate it.

"I'm glad your meal was satisfying, Sakura-chan," Naruto gritted out, lips moving so little that the mass of ramen hanging from his mouth barely even wiggled.

"Oh, I did, Naruto," Sakura returned. "I _truly _did." She looked about and stood, stretching her arms and arching her back as she did so.

Now, Naruto may have been steaming like the fresh bowl of ramen sitting before him, but it did absolutely _nothing _to keep him from noticing the well-concealed shift in his other team-mate's stature, as Sakura continued to strike a rather unintentionally provocative pose. It was subtle, but Naruto could tell that, despite his apparent _fascination_ with the chopstick holder, Sasuke's eyes were far more focused on what was in his peripheral. The forced lockdown of any and all movement (even his _hair _seemed to be under the regime, the dark tresses not wafting even slightly in a stray breeze) and a refusal to look anywhere but the innocent chopstick holder were clear indications that he wasn't _really_ doing what he wanted everyone else to think he was doing, i.e. brooding and _so _not eying up his female team-mate.

A devilish smirk played at Naruto's lips. _I'll just store _that _away for later. Heh heh._

"Well, I'm off!" Sakura said, turning back to her still-dining team-mates. "Tsunade-shishou said we could get in some training this afternoon, so I'll see you all later!"

And with that, she was out of the ramen stall and down the street, leaving the _manly_ _men _of Team Seven to their own devices.

Naruto had _never _been so relieved by Sakura's departure. Ever. It was as though a heavy weight had been lifted from his shoulders. Like a storm had just passed, giving way for sunny weather. Like a dam had just broken, allowing the water to rush through. Like---

"And don't forget to pay for my ramen, Naruto!!! Remember, _you looossst!_"

Like the world was crashing down on him and he had but a paper umbrella drink decoration to protect him. _Oh_, how everything in the world _sucked_ at that moment, to our favourite loudly-dressed shinobi.

Naruto grudgingly pulled out the cash for Sakura's meal. _Two_ bowls. She had had _two_ bowls. That was _two bowls_ he would _not_ be able to eat because he had to pay for _hers_. That was _two bowls_ he would never, _ever_ get back.

Naruto mourned his loss quietly, with a dignity most would be shocked that he possessed.

_Farewell, sweet ramen. May we meet again, in another life._

Snapping his ever-present porn shut, Kakashi rose from his seat with a sigh of finality. "Well, I have to be going as well."

Neither of the teens did more than give a subtle nod in response.

Kakashi sagged inwardly. _Would it kill them to show just a _little_ concern or interest in my life? I feel so unloved…except when I'm with _youIcha Icha Paradise! _Oh, and you too, _Icha Icha Tactics! _And yes, you too _Icha Icha Violence!

The grey-haired sensei poofed away, leaving a disturbing man-giggle in his wake.

Shaking his head to clear the reverberation from the creeped-out shiver that was tingling his spine at Kakashi's final _sound_, Naruto turned his attention on one silent Uchiha.

A horrified scowl (yes, such exists, though only one as talented in the art of the scowl as Uchiha Sasuke was capable of performing it) was just fading from Sasuke's face.

Naruto seized the opportunity of catching his best friend with his guard down so the blonde could get the answers he so desperately needed to hear. Because he was just so _certain_ about this one…

Naruto moved to within an inch of his dark-haired companion's face. His eyes narrowed to discerning slits, as he crossed his arms over his chest and bit the inside of his bottom lip, clearly settled into his 'Intensively Scrutinizing/Manufacturing Blatant Accusations' pose. (It was a mouthful, yes, but that _was _what it was called. If the pose itself was not efficient (which it wasn't, usually) then it made sense that the name for it would be inefficient as well.)

"_What?_" Sasuke ground out, his brow furrowed to the point that he could scarcely see the annoying blonde a mere inch from his face.

"Did you let her win?" Naruto asked, clearly not picking up on the fact that Sasuke did _not _appreciate having his personal bubble invaded.

The Uchiha scoffed and rolled his eyes, releasing his furious brow-furrow enough to perform said action. "_No_. I did _not_ let her win. You think I would do something like that, dobe?"

Naruto pulled back from his assault on Sasuke's comfort zone and relaxed his face from its calculating mask. "You're right," he muttered. "That's far too nice. You're too big of a teme to forfeit a victory that is assured to be yours." He propped his head on his left hand as he eyed his friend curiously, his elbow settled on the counter in the middle of an ample puddle of soup from his meal, though he did not seem to notice. "So then… How did she do it?"

Sasuke snorted and turned his mild glower back on the innocent chopstick holder. (What did it ever do to _you_, Sasuke?! Just leave it alone already!) "I don't know," he answered evenly (_carefully_, by Naruto's discerning ear). "It just…happened."

The jinchuuriki leaned forward again, eyeing the ex-avenger up, scrutinizing his every reaction and move. And suddenly a foxy grin split the blonde's face, stretching his whisker marks and forcing his eyes into slits. "She got under your skin, _didn't_ she?"

Sasuke snapped his head up and about quickly, which elicited a sharp pain in his neck. _Ugh. Great. A pulled muscle in my neck. Just what I needed to add to my _enjoyment_ of the dobe's company._

He narrowed his eyes and bit out, "What?"

The grin never left Naruto's face as he elaborated. "Being all up _close_ and personal with Sakura-chan threw you off your game, didn't it?!"

The Uchiha did a double-take of his rival, genuine incredulity (at Naruto's perceptiveness) masking an even deeper genuine embarrassment (at being found out). A faint (_evil, evil, just plain demonic!!!_) flush seemed to creep into Sasuke's face, like a mist off the water. "You don't know what you're talking about, usuratonkachi!"

"Oh! I think I know _exactly_ what I'm talking about, teme!" the blonde cried, sitting tall and clearly proud of his accomplishment of flustering the unflappable Uchiha, supposed master of façades and all-around asexuality. "She distracted you; twisted you about with her womanly wiles!"

"She did not!" Sasuke yelled, anger and embarrassment gagging his propriety for the time being.

"She _did_!" Naruto shouted, stabbing a finger in his friend's face as glee continued to stream out of his own face in glorious sun-rays. "Hah! You _do_ have hormones, you ugly teme! Admit it! Sakura-chan got you all hot and bothered and you couldn't stay focused on the fight! You were thinking below the belt instead of up here!" Naruto cried with glee, tapping his temple to emphasize his point.

"Shut up dobe!" Sasuke said in a heated half-yell. He was acutely aware of the small scene they were causing. Goodness knew his current situation was _so_ notsomething the whole village needed to hear about. "That is _not_ what happened! I just…I was…having an off day, that's all! There's no other reason, so you can keep your perverted ideas to yourself!" He hissed out the last part.

"No, no, teme," Naruto replied, shaking his head with eyes closed in a knowing manner, clearly showing that he knew he had won their 'debate.' "I think it is _you _who had better keep _your_ perverted ideas to _yourself_!"

He quickly ducked a barrage of shuriken and a few fireballs.

"Aha!" the blonde laughed, holding his stomach and pointing at his companion. "I know it's true! I know your secret now, teme! Ha ha!"

And the blonde ran off, a very _big_, very _hot_, fireball following closely in his wake.

* * *

The following morning had Kakashi's Team Seven sparring in their old training grounds once again. A lack of missions worthy of the shinobi's calibre was giving the team ample time to catch-up on missed sparring sessions and the all-around camaraderie that came with beating one's team-mates to a bloody pulp in the name of betterment.

Once again, Sakura and Naruto were paired off. Kakashi wanted the latter to improve her hand-to-hand combat skills with multiple enemies, via Naruto's many kage bunshins. And the former Kakashi wanted to just _keep quiet_, not cause any _trouble_, and actually _spar_ for once. Whenever Kakashi sparred with the boy, Naruto would always end up chatting him up through most of it, like he thought they were having afternoon tea, or something. And pair the blonde up with Sasuke, and there would be nothing but bickering, far-too destructive jutsus being pulled out, and a climax wherein two of Konoha's most promising shinobi would reduce themselves to _cat fighting_, complete with scratching, hissing, slapping, and biting. (This was a shameful secret that Kakashi took great measures to ensure did _not_ leave the training grounds. It was not about his students' reputations. _Oh no_; it was all about _his_Kakashi would _never_ live it down if his fellow jounins found out that his two male students culminated their fights by duking it out like twelve-year-old girls, high-pitched screeching and hair pulling included.)

"Ah hah! WE WIN! We win! We _wiiinnnnn_!" Naruto cried, while doing a most _disturbing_ victory dance that forced Sakura to run a chakra-infused hand over her eyes to wipe the image from them. …Just kidding. (…but not really)

"Who's 'we,' you moron? It's just the one of you!" Sakura grumbled, lugging herself up off the rather uneven ground (courtesy of her mighty fists, of course).

"I like to think of my kage bunshins as extensions of myself, while _simultaneously_ being separate beings, Sakura-chan," the blonde answered in a superior, "I-Be-So-Awesome-No-One-Pwns-Like-I-Pwn" tone. "_Therefore_, I prefer to refer to my _landslide_ victory over _you_ with a '_we_,' thank you very much."

The pink-haired nin merely grumbled some incoherent responses, while internally, she cursed her failure to totally destroy Naruto, yet again.

Meanwhile, three of the aforementioned kage bunshins were still in existence and were occupying their "special" minds with an age-old question: how deep can a crevice created by the inhuman strength of one Haruno Sakura go? (Okay, so it wasn't _really_ an age-old question. But it certainly was a hot topic among the three remaining bunshins currently pondering the issue. And a Naruto kage bunshin with a question is an unstoppable force. Multiply that by three, and you will have a juggernaut hell-bent on finding the truth, regardless of the cost to _themselves_, or their _originator_.)

Initially, all the inquisitive kage bunshins did was drop stones into the sizable crevice and timed how long it took for a sound to be made of them hitting the bottom. When that failed, they had to resort to other more _innovative_ methods.

Getting a brainwave, two of the bunshins picked up their third comrade and dangled him over the gaping abyss. The kamikaze clone gave a salute of farewell and it was bunshin away, as the other two released their triplet from their hold.

Back with the _real_ Naruto and Sakura…

"…but they didn't even _smell_ like ramen noodles, so I---_**AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!**_"Suddenly, in the middle of a _very _interesting conversation about funky ramen noodles, Naruto began screaming in terror, while writhing about on the ground.

"Naruto!" Sakura cried, rushing to the fallen shinobi, green eyes searching for injuries to explain her team-mate's sudden distress.

Naruto continued to flail about for a few more minutes, screaming and mumbling incoherent phrases all the while.

"_NOOOOO!!!_ I DON'T WANNA DIE!!!!!! I HAVE TO BECOME _HOKAGE_, DATTEBAYO!!!! AND I HAVEN'T TRIED THE NEW _RAMEN FLAVOUR YET!!!!_ _NOOOOOOO!!!!!!_ WHERE'S GAMABUNTA WHEN I NEED HIM???!!!!! _AAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!_"

The kunoichi grabbed the blonde boy by the shoulders and gave him a rough shake. In response, Naruto began to claw at and bite Sakura's arms and hands. So, she smacked him smartly across his whiskered cheek.

This seemed to snap the jinchuuriki out of his terror-filled episode, as he stopped rolling about and screaming. After calming slightly, he slowly got to his hands and knees, breathing heavily and shaking. He cast a dark look over at his two remaining bunshins who, in return, were looking at him like he was on crack.

"_What the __**hell**__ is wrong with you?!_" Naruto screamed, his eyes wide with anger and his slowly ebbing terror.

The bunshins shrugged and one answered, "We just wanted to see how deep it was."

"Well congrats! It's two hundred and fifty metres to _death_ by _**heart attack**_, _morons_!" Naruto shrieked, eyes nearly popping out of his skull in his distress. He looked down at the grass he knelt on and quietly said, "I think I peed myself."

Sakura shuffled away from her team-mate at this comment, a grossed-out cringe crossing her features. "Ugh, Naruto!"

Said boy cast wide eyes upon his pink-haired team-mate. "But Sakura-chan!" he cried, his voice even scratchier due to his recent screaming fit. "_I thought I was dying!_ _DY-ING_!!!" Naruto shuffled closer to the kunoichi, who in turn, moved back.

If he was covered in urine, she did _not _want him near her. She loved the boy like a brother and all, but there were just some boundaries she _refused_ to cross for him. This was one of them.

"Naruto!" Sakura spoke sternly and not without a little desperation, though she tried valiantly to cover it. "Stop right where you are! I don't want you coming any closer!"

"Bu---But Sakura-chan!"

"No! No buts! I don't want your urine-soaked self near me!" She sniffed the air cautiously. "I think I can smell you from here, and that is already _way _more than I _ever _wanted to deal with from you!"

"But Sakura-chan!" Naruto continued to screech. He looked up at her with pleading blue eyes. "I didn't _really_ piss myself! It was just a figure of speech! I swear!"

The kunoichi eyed the blonde boy suspiciously. "You're not just saying that?"

"No, Sakura-chan! Honest! I give you my word! Dattebayo!" Naruto answered, his right hand raising and forming a fist by his head, a sure sign that he was giving a true vow under his nindo.

Just then, two streaks flashed into the clearing, materializing to become Kakashi and Sasuke.

"What happened?" Kakashi asked quickly, his lazy eye slightly more alert than usual. "It sounded like Sakura was screaming."

The aforementioned kunoichi broke into a fit of giggles, which mutated into full-blown laughter when Naruto's face turned sour.

"Hey!" the blonde shouted, voice screechy and face red. "Kaka-sensei, that was _me_! I was the one who was almost dying, but not."

The grey-head eyed Naruto, slight amusement replacing his previous worry. He then gave his signature closed-eye smile and said, "It's okay, Naruto. Puberty will come any day now."

"Kaka-sensei!" Naruto wailed, as Sakura continued to laugh and Sasuke smirked at the blonde's expense.

Naruto continued to mumble to himself, something about already being seventeen and having more testosterone than _ten_ Kakashis.

"No, but really, Naruto. What happened?" Kakashi asked, a smile still making itself known in his voice.

With a huff, Naruto answered, "I left three of my bunshins loose after our spar, which I _won_, by the way." He pointedly eyed his team-mates.

Both Sasuke and Sakura scowled but did not interrupt.

"And then they decided to find out the depth of that freaking _valley_ Sakura-chan made, so they tossed one of themselves in there and when that _stupid bunshin_ hit the bottom, and its information came back to me, I kind of thought _I _was the one who fell to his death and so I began screaming accordingly." The blonde boy eyed his companions, his blue eyes seeking understanding and possibly comfort (it had been a _very _traumatic experience!).

They all looked back with blank stares.

Sasuke scoffed. "Tch. Well there was your first mistake: you left them to their own devices when you _know_ whose mind they have to govern their actions. An usuratonkachi for a creator can only produce usuratonkachi clones, dobe."

"_Sasukeeee!!!_" Naruto shouted, suddenly breathing heavy and clenching his fists while gritting his suddenly _very _pointy teeth, all of which pointed to him being _quite _irate.

"What _usuratonkachi_?" the Uchiha goaded. "Did you not understand what I said? Do you need me to explain it in simpler terms, _usuratonkachi_?"

Out of nowhere, Naruto's huffing and puffing and preparation to blow the houses of Konoha down, ceased. He straightened up from his "Crazy-Awesome-Ninja-Leap-of-Doom!" stance and eyed his best friend with an unreadable expression.

Externally, Sasuke sneered in that superior way of his. Internally, though, he was scrambling for an explanation for Naruto's sudden change in demeanour.

_What's the dobe up to? Things never turn out well when he gets _that _look on his stupid face._

Grinning cheekily at the dark-haired male across from him, Naruto sidled up to their female team-mate and struck a casual pose, which just came off as Naruto being blatantly obvious in his attempts, but he thought were uber-subtle.

"Say, Sakura-chan," Naruto began slowly, slyly.

_What is he playing at? _Sasuke wondered to himself.

"I didn't tell you this yesterday, because I was a little put out that I lost the bet I had on you and teme's match, but," Naruto put his arms akimbo and eyed Sakura with a surprisingly serious look, "I really wanted to tell you that I was _truly _impressed by your skills out there."

Sakura stared at the blonde before her for a moment, hesitation evident in her face. But upon seeing the serious set in Naruto's eyes, Sakura decided that she could take the teen's words at face value.

"Well, thank you, Naruto," she answered, a small smile and just a hint of a blush tinting her cheeks.

"Oh, I mean it, Sakura-chan!" the loud shinobi went on, an awed light beginning to form in his blue eyes. "The _moves_ you used out there!" He gave a low whistle. "Absolutely _breathtaking_." He shifted to lean against the tree he stood by. "And your _form_! Ah!" He leaned forward a bit to look the kunoichi in the eye better. "Your _form_ alone could distract the best of them, _especially_ the teme over there!" Naruto nodded his blonde head at Sasuke, who was watching the jinchuuriki with narrowed eyes.

_I have a bad feeling about this, _the Uchiha grumbled in his mind.

"And then there was your timing." Naruto shook his head as though in disbelief, his wide eyes set on the ever-reddening Sakura. "It was like you had this, this _rhythm_ going on. This _perfectly _choreographed _rhythm _that totally _got_ Sasuke-teme _off_ his game! He didn't know which way to _take you_, when you were using all of your _ass_ets! You completely _dominated_ him with your _techiniques_!"

_Oh. Lord. _Sasuke knew _exactly _where this was going now. _Oh_, he would just _kill _the dobe if he went on with this thing! Positively _kill _him!

"And that last _thrust_ to his---"

"That's enough!" Sasuke shouted. He had heard enough innuendos in the last minute to fill a whole chapter of _Icha Icha_. (Heck, it even had Kakashi watching their little interlude, as opposed to reading his beloved smut. …Pervert.) There was _no way _he was allowing Naruto to carry on with his filthy little plan. Nuh uh. _Uchiha Sasuke_ would not tolerate it.

"What's got your panties twisted, teme?" Naruto asked, an obnoxious grin tipping his words. "You can't handle listening to me complement Sakura-chan on how she _owned_ your sorry butt yesterday? That's pretty selfish, Sasuke-teme."

"Those were _not_ complements," Sasuke growled, studiously avoiding eye contact with the other member of Team Seven, who was looking on with angry and confused green eyes, and their sensei, who looked _far _too excited for the Uchiha's comfort.

"Of course they were!" Naruto insisted, a far-too innocent gleam lighting his eyes. "What _else _would they be?"

"Y--- Tch" was Sasuke's _scathing_ response. The dark-haired teen glared at the blonde with a mildly ticking eye.

Well, he had him there. There was no way Sasuke could say that Naruto was spewing innuendos about the Uchiha's rather, shall we say, _preoccupied_ state of mind while he had been sparring with the kunoichi. He would shave his precious chicken butt hairdo and don one of Lee's hideous Green Spandex Jumpsuits before he admitted out loud what had _really_ been going on in his mind during his ill-fated training with Sakura.

"_Exactly_," Naruto said, a cheeky smile curving his face and a distinct aura of triumph floating about his straight and proud form. It was as though he _knew _just what Sasuke had been thinking.

"But anyway," Naruto went on, turning back to his pink-haired and completely oblivious team-mate. "It's no wonder Sasuke-teme lost to _you_, Sakura-chan. I think any guy would have too."

"Really?" Sakura asked, her blush deepening as she looked down, desperately holding onto modesty, while her inner was screaming, "Shannaro! Of course they would! All will fall before my greatness! Phear teh Phists of Phury!!!"

The blonde nodded enthusiastically, looking intently into the kunoichi's eyes. "Yeah, I mean, if _I _didn't have it bad for Hinata-chan, I probably would lose to you too, Sakura-chan! What hormonal man _could _resist your mesmerizing _moves_; your feminine _form_; your ravishing _rhythms_; your tantalizing _techniques of domination_!" He flashed a sly grin. "Heh, like we _all _didn't know the teme would go for that sort of thing! He's a total _submissive _when it comes to s---"

"NARUTO!!!" Sakura screamed, her face so red, even Hinata would not be able to top her blush. "I---I… You---You…You were complementing me on my _tactics and techniques!_"

"I _was_, Sakura-chan!" Naruto answered while nodding sincerely. "Your feminine charm completely pwned the teme! He was putty in your _very_ capable hands! If you hadn't pulled out your arsenal of womanly weapons, he'd have been okay, but you weren't having any of that, now were you?!" He wagged a tanned finger at her and grinned in a perfect mask of honesty. "You just took him out there at let him have it! Gave it to him good, that's what you did!"

Sasuke died for the one thousand four hundred and thirty-eighth time when in the presence of Naruto. (It was a skill quite unique to the blonde, killing Sasuke with his idiocy and "special" mind skills.)

"Wha… What…are… Huh?" Sakura mumbled incoherently, embarrassment blurring her thought processes.

Kakashi just sat himself upon a low tree branch and continued to enjoy, what he was certain was about to become a _violent_ show.

The kunoichi stuttered and grumbled a little more. She stared and Naruto incredulously and huffed a little, all the while trying to think of something good to retaliate with.

But then something clicked (some would say _snapped_) in that unfathomable mind of hers. Sakura's eyes took on that hardened killing machine look that the blonde had seen _many _a time, just prior to being beaten to within an inch of his life. Unfortunately, Naruto's short-term memory was not the greatest (thanks to those rather _frequent_ beatings) and as such, he did not recognize the warning sign those steely eyes presented.

"So…" Sakura began slowly, a forced serenity in her words promising much pain and suffering should her impending questions be met with unsatisfactory answers. She eyed Naruto evenly, all emotion vacant from her unwavering gaze. "Let me guess: You were saying those things to passive-aggressively embarrass Sasuke-kun, while simultaneously getting back at me for gloating over winning yesterday's bet?"

"Weellll…" the blonde started, eyes turned skyward and stance shifting into a sway, as he seemed to completely overlook the kunoichi's no-nonsense mindset and decided to drag out his answer. "I was _really _just aiming to embarrass the teme and get back at him for insulting me. But now that you mention it, Sakura-chan, that _was _pretty decent retribution for your bragging." The junchuuriki nodded with a foxy grin. "Talk about efficiency, dattebayo!" He assumed a superior air, eying his nails, then buffing them against his orange ninja suit. "But this _is_ _me _we're talkin' about here. It should come as no surprise that a spur-of-the-moment plot bred from the great mind of _the _Uzumaki Naruto would prove to be so cunning and devastating in its simplicity. Yes, such a heavy burden for but a humble ninja to bear, this genius is. But I _do _bear it. Because _someone_ has to. Someone must take up the pain and suffering of genius and carry it for the village. To any other, it would probably be a crushing weight upon their very _soul_. But not me. No. My yoke is easy and my burden is light. I---"

"Oh, will you _shut up!_" Sasuke yelled, his irritation having reached its limit many a syllable ago. "'My yoke is easy and my burden is light'?" he sneered, scowl in place. "You've already got an overdeveloped Jesus-complex; you don't need to go spouting his sermons yet, too."

"Heathen," Naruto grumbled.

"_I'm_ the heathen? I'm not the one impersonating a deity---"

"_SHUT UP!_ BOTH OF YOU! Just. _stop. talking. now._"

Both males clammed up after that, neither wishing nor willing to test the kunoichi's wrath.

Actually, that was just Naruto.

Sasuke was preoccupied with a line of thought he had _never _experienced before. Ever.

_She…yelled…at me? _Me_? Not just yelled at, she told me to _shut up_. Where the hell did _that _come from? _

_What should I do? How do I react? She's never done this before. _

_I should just keep cool. Yeah. Nothing fazes me! I _am _Uchiha Sasuke. A _rock_, that's what I am. An unshakable rock… But she smashes rocks with no more than her pinkie… Crap! Okay then… I am a _mountain_. Yea---_no_. She smashes _those _with her fists. Freaking inhuman strength! Even if it _is _hot… I mean, couple that with her new fiery attitude of yelling at me and… Yeah! That's the stuff! … … … … … NOOOOOOO!!! Kakashi! I hate_ _you and your freaking _Icha Icha _house parties!_

Meanwhile, back in the _real _world…

"I won fair and square!" the pink-head shouted as she continued to smack the blonde on his precious spiky crown.

"But-_oww!_-Saku-_oww_-ra-_owwww_-ch-_ahhh_-n! You-_eep_-were being-_oh Ramen, why?!_-a poor-_augh!_-winner!-_gah!_-dattebayo!-_oomph!_" Naruto landed on the rubble-strewn earth and quickly pulled himself into as small a ball as he could get, looking every bit as though he were cosplaying a ninja turtle.

Sakura paused in her beating of the poor boy to take a step back and think on his words (once she edited out the screams of pain, that is).

She gave a grudging huff and shifted her weight to her right leg as she crossed her deceptively thin arms over her chest. With eyes cast to the sky in a mild frown, she mumbled, "I guess I _was _gloating a bit much. It wasn't right. I mean, rubbing it in your face when you had to pay for my ramen was one thing, but there really is _no _excuse for secretly having Ino snap a picture of it and then getting the photo blown up into a poster with "Your Ramen can't save you! Because I ate it!" written on it and replacing your ramen poster in your room with it, so that every time you would go to sleep you'd see it and be reminded of your _failure_ before the superior mind of Haruno Sakura!" The kunoichi had raised a fist and held a psychotic glint in her eyes, but quickly resumed her normal look as she murmured, "There was no excuse for me doing something like that."

Naruto, having tuned his team-mate's confession out as he _totally_ got lost in his cosplay of Michelangelo (he's the orange-wearing one, after all) of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles---complete with singing, "Heroes in a half shell! Turtle power!" to himself---the boy didn't catch all of what his female companion had said. Though one phrase _had_ caught his attention (_deficit disorder_). Popping his head out of his "turtle shell" (which was really just his neon orange ninja suit's jacket pulled up over his head), Naruto looked up at Sakura and frowned. "What about a ramen poster?"

"Nothing!" Sakura shouted, her voice far too high to be honest.

But then again, she _was _dealing with Naruto, so…

The Uzumaki studied Sakura with squinty eyes. Oh, you could just _hear _the cogs turning in that boy's head. Turning _very slowly_.

"Hmmm…" he mumbled, tapping his chin. "Ra…men…po…ster…?" A light flashed above Naruto, making it look like his head was the sun, which was in the midst of a _very _violent sunburst episode, considering the various haphazard yellow spikes jutting out of it. "Hey!" he cried, blue eyes wide in discovery as he grinned proudly. "_I _have a ramen poster in my room!"

"I know, Naruto," Sakura muttered, wilting at the blonde's misplaced exuberance.

"Do you have one too, Sakura-chan? Is that what you were talking about?"

"Well, I do _now_," she commented dryly, thinking how she had rolled Naruto's precious poster up when she replaced it with her victory poster, and how it was now hidden in a dark, unreachable corner of her closet.

She heard Kakashi let out a low chuckle. He had seen her sneaking into and out of Naruto's apartment, incriminating evidence in hand. He knew _exactly _what she was thinking about.

Sakura cast a dark look up at her sensei, who was still seated leisurely in his tree, watching with a lazy, but interested, eye.

"Don't you have somewhere you need to be _late_ getting to?" the girl bit out, not amused with the man's obvious enjoyment of her current situation.

Kakashi gave another low chuckle and then sighed. "I suppose I _should_ be heading to see Gai. I did promise a duel with him today, so we could break our tie. It's my turn to choose the activity for the match. I'm thinking of making it a competition of who can be the _latest_ to the match, in which case I will have already won. What do you guys think?"

"Sensei, that's lame," Naruto muttered while giving his teacher an unimpressed look.

"Seriously, sensei," Sakura added. "You could put just a _little _more effort into it."

"Hn," said Sasuke.

Kakashi slouched a bit. _Don't they realize just how hard it is to come up with the unbelievable _crap _I say and do everyday? It takes _real _talent to do what I do. I'm so unappreciated._

With a mumbled farewell and a stifled sigh, the copy-nin poofed out of sight, leaving his three at-odds students alone in the training grounds.

There was relatively comfortable silence for a few moments, as neither of the three shinobi's minds were really focused on much besides the oddness of their teacher.

But the recent events quickly caught up with them and Sakura was once again staring down a cowering blonde.

"But, yes, you!" She stabbed a finger at the jinchuuriki's chest, causing the boy to wince and lament the new bruise he would have there. (Not that it mattered, since the Kyuubi would heal it in moments, but that was beside the point: Naruto was still slightly tender from the beating he had received not ten minutes ago from the same enraged kunoichi. When would the abuse end for the poor boy?)

"You need to learn when to stop while you're ahead." Sakura levelled Naruto with a heavy gaze, not unlike the ones Tsunade used when she was being uber-serious (i.e. during the three-point-two minutes a day that she _wasn't _drunk) while assigning missions. "You take things too far, Naruto."

The addressed teen hung his head and murmured out a, "Hai, Sakura-chan. Sorry."

"And _you_!" Sakura continued, whirling about and staring down a now edgy Uchiha. (_Not _that he was scared, or anything. Pfft. Far from it!)

"_Me?_" Sasuke asked, in what he had tried valiantly to make a gruff and domineering tone, but really came out sounding a tad too much like the annoying blonde when he was trying to talk his way out of receiving Sakura's Divine Judgement.

"_You_ are coming with me," she ordered, all business and no-nonsense. She grabbed his hand and began dragging him toward the village, clearly intent on some diabolical plan (Sasuke was sure) that her twisty and incomprehensible female mind had conjured up.

"What?" he scoffed, indignant that _Sakura _thought she could order him around. _Him_. Uchiha Sasuke. Someone has got to be put in their place…

The kunoichi turned her head back to level him with a silencing glare, not once pausing in her steady trek to town.

"You were checking me out while we were training. _Goodness knows_ how many other times you've done it before that! You have _violated _my right to _not _be ogled by my team-mates when we spar. The least you can do, the _very least_, is to go on a date with me to make up for it." She cast a heavy glance back at him, looking every bit like a teacher lecturing a misbehaving student. "There's something you've got to learn, Sasuke-kun. Dealing with girls is like going to the bookstore; you can't just check out the pictures in the magazines and be done with it, you've got to _buy _it if you want that privilege. And with girls, you've got to date them. It's as simple as that."

Sasuke was silent for a few moments, pondering Sakura's words. Then he looked up with the barest hint of sly smirk on his face.

"So, in this bookstore analogy of yours, dating is like currency that allows one to…_check out_ the merchandise?"

"Uhhh… Yeah, whatever," Sakura answered distractedly. It wasn't as though she had thought the whole thing through; she had just come up with it on the fly. Leave it to Sasuke to pick apart and overanalyse her metaphor.

"Okay," Sasuke murmured, his smirk appearing in full. Not that it mattered, since Sakura was not facing him and so could not see it. But that was fortuitous as well, since it gave him the perfect opportunity to cash in on their recent _transaction_.

…

…

…

"Sasuke-kun? Are you looking at my---"

"You said dating would give me permission to do that."

"We haven't even _been_ on a date yet! We're still on our _way_ to it!"

"So I'm making an _advance_ transaction."

"_No_. This date will make up for you checking me out _yesterday_. Your 'checking out' privileges do not come into effect until _after _we have been on a sufficient number of dates to compensate for your past impropriety."

"…How many dates are we talking about here?"

"That depends, how many times have you checked me out?"

"…"

"Sasuke-kun?"

"Tch. This is going to take a while."

**Guttersnipe's Word: **So that's the end of "Who Pwns Whom?" (Sasuke is _such _a pervert! I'm inclined to believe that if he _ever_ begins listening to those hormones of his, he _will_ indeed become just as bad as Kakashi. I would have no problem believing that.) The next chapter will have **nothing** to do with the events of the first two chapters. Okay? These are **one-shots** people. I cannot stress that enough. Anyhoos, give Mr. Clicky a visit and review, please!

**Coming Soon (as in super-soon, because I have about eighty percent of it written already): Chapter 3: Perversion and Procreation:** A pregnant Sakura. A misguided Naruto. A thoroughly irritated Sasuke. Need I say more? Sasuke X Sakura and a tasty dash of Naruto X Hinata (the sweetest pairing ever!).

"Of Fear and Women" will be updated as soon as my writer's block takes a hike. Seriously, as soon as I said that things with that fic were running smoothly, everything screeched to a grinding halt. It's the Black Hole of Doom, I tells ya!!!


	3. Perversion and Procreation

A Family of Sorts

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. That copyright belongs to Masashi Kishimoto.

**Warning:** The following story contains crack! content that may not be appreciated by some readers. Reader discretion is advised.

**Chapter 3: Perversion and Procreation**

Sakura had not been her self lately. Naruto knew this. He had been aware of it for a number of weeks now, but had yet to conjure up a way to address the matter. But today he had come to the conclusion that, regardless of his lack of planning or information, he would get it all out on the table and tell his friend exactly what he thought of the unnameable situation.

_Now…how do I put this without getting my head bashed in_?

Naruto took a deep breath and jumped into a metaphorical shark tank with an equally metaphorical bleeding knee (though if things turned sour---which was _likely_, because, hey, it _was _Naruto---then that bleeding part just might come true).

"Ahh, have you been eating a lot of Twinkies lately, Sakura-chan?"

"Huh?"

"Ding Dongs, then?" Naruto amended, waving a hand in the air. "You probably prefer the chocolatey stuff, right?"

"What?" Sakura said, her face screwing up into a bewildered mask.

"Okay, but you've been eating a lot of some kind of cake or sweets, right?" the blonde continued, as he stared intently at the female before him.

Sakura shook her head, still clueless as to her friend's meaning. "Naruto, what are you going on about?"

"Well, it's just… Sakura-chan, when you eat a lot of food like Twinkies or Ding Dongs or any cake or sweets and you don't _exercise_ or _train_, like what _you've_ been doing for the past little while, it's easy for that stuff to build up on a person's body, like what's been happening to you." Naruto watched her with serious blue eyes, not so much as a trace of humour in his face. Oh boy. The guy was _seriously_ serious.

And also _seriously _on the flight path to certain doom.

"Naruto," Sakura began slowly, while trying to suppress a tic in her eye. "Are you calling me _fat_?"

"No!" the jinchuriki shouted as his eyes nearly popped out of his skull. That was _not _the direction he had planned for their discussion to go. "No Sakura-chan! That's not what I meant! I swear, dattebayo! I'm just saying that _maybe_ throwing in a few extra hours of training _wouldn't_ hurt."

The pink-head stood from her seat at the ramen stand and towered over the blonde, making every effort to emit the most menacing chakra she could muster. "_Naruto!_ You want to know why I'm bloated up like a beached whale? _Do you?!_"

His eyes widened in unbidden horror. "Ah, _no_! No I don't Sakura-chan!" They had had _that_ conversation before. Naruto had never been able to see women the same since. He did not want another lecture on the horrors of PMS and cramping and all the _blood_… _No_.

"It's because I'm _pregnant_, you jerk!" Sakura cried, as she steamed from the ears while getting teary eyed.

Naruto suddenly went very still. His eyes hardened to unreadable glass and his voice came out cold and inhuman when he said, "It was Sasuke, wasn't it?! _Wasn't it?!_"

"Wha---" Sakura eyed the blonde strangely. "Of course it was Sasuke-kun! Who else, would it be?"

"_SASUKEEEEE!!!_" Naruto screeched as he took off running down the street.

* * *

Uchiha Sasuke was just strolling down a side street in Konoha, clearing his mind and whatnot. He was feeling pretty relaxed today. Pretty relaxed, indeed.

"_SASUKEEEEE!!!_"

Until _that _sound pulled at his nerves and forced them into tight little knots all along his neck and shoulders.

Flying around the corner came a glaringly bright orange figure that could only be one person: Uzumaki Naruto; number one ninja at surprising people and current bane of Sasuke's existence.

"You!" the blonde screeched, while jabbing a finger at the Uchiha, pure indignation and accusation radiating from Naruto's tense form. "You _teme_! How could you?! I never thought you'd stoop _this_ low, you jerk!"

"What the heck is your problem, dobe?" Sasuke growled, while eying his best friend with a sour look. "You're being more moronic than usual."

"_Teme._"

"Dobe."

"You defiled Sakura-chan!" Naruto shouted.

Needless to say, not a few heads turned in their direction.

Out of nowhere, Rock Lee sprang forth, tears spewing like candy from a broken piñata.

"OH FAIREST SAKURA-SAN! BLOOMING CHERRY BLOSSOM OF THE SPRINTIME OF YOUTH! SHE HAS BEEN DEFLOWERED?! _OH YOUTH!_ WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN YOUR SERVANT?! I HAVE DONE EVERYTHING YOU WISH! PLEASE HEAR MY PLEA AND SMITE THE ONE WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS _UNYOUTHFUL_ _TRAVESTY_!!! LET NOT MY FAIREST SAKURA-SAN BE STOLEN FROM MY WAITING EMBRACE OF YOUTH!" he screamed, arms raised to the sky, desperation on his face. He then saw Gai down the way and took off after him, no doubt in search of comfort.

"Anyway…" Naruto said slowly, his mind gradually regaining consciousness after it was knocked out by Lee's flamboyant lamentations.

There were people now staring and murmuring amongst themselves, since the Green Beast's outburst drew quite the bit of attention. Naruto ignored them though. He had something more important to attend to.

"_Sasukeee!_" He began huffing, eyes narrowed, fists clenched, and those canines of his seemed to protrude a few extra millimetres than they had moments prior. In short, Naruto was pissed.

"Hn. What, usuratonkachi?"

"_YOU_ ARE THE _BIGGEST_ TEME TO HAVE _EVER_ EXISTED!!! HOW _DARE_ YOU?!HOW. DARE. YOU?! I ALWAYS _KNEW_ YOU WERE A CLOSET PERVERT, I JUST NEVER THOUGHT YOU WERE THIS _SICK_! HOW COULD YOU DO _THAT_ TO SAKURA-CHAN?!"

Now Sasuke was getting irritated. And angry. Irritated _and_ angry. Ohh, look out world; the Uchiha Sasuke original "Rot-In-Hell-With-Itachi-The-Devil" Glare is about to initiate launching sequence.

_Initiation in 3…_

"What. The. Hell. Are. You. Talk. ing. A. bout. Do. be?"

_2…_

"YOU GOT SAKURA-CHAN PREGNANT, YOU SICKO!!!"

_1… Initiation sequence complete. "Rot-In-Hell-With-Itachi-The-Devil" Glare now engaged._

"WE'RE _MARRIED_, YOU FREAKING RETARD!!! What did you _think _was going to happen?!"

"_Teme!_" Naruto screamed, his fists balled tightly and his entire form shaking from the intensity of the rage boiling inside.

"What, usuratonkachi?" Sasuke snapped, conscious of the mini-crowd watching their shouting match, but _seriously _not caring, considering the extremely moronic turn it seemed to be taking.

_Violated Sakura… Pfft! What an idiot! She knew what she was getting into when she married me! I've got a clan to rebuild, for crying out loud! Time is babies! And it's not like she was complaining… Heh heh._

Sasuke was pulled from his rather _perverted_ inner thoughts, by the continued rantings of one strangely misdirected Naruto.

"You'd better do right by her, teme," the blonde growled, his initial rage simmering into a milder---though no less dangerous---concerned anger.

The Uchiha stared at his best friend with pure disbelief upon his pale features. "We're _already _married, you moron!" he snapped, glaring his best 'You're-All-Retarded-Except-For-Me-And-My-Awesomeness!-And-Yes-My-Awesomeness-Is-Its-Own-Entity' © look at the jinchuuriki. "You were my _best man_, for crying out loud!"

"I don't want your platitudes, Sasuke," Naruto said, shaking his head and waving his hand dismissively. He levelled one of his most serious looks at the dark-haired nin. "I want your _word _as a _man_ and as a _shinobi_ that you will make her happy, you won't upset her during this stressful time, and you will be there to support her through thick and thin!" he said forcefully, every fibre in his body enforcing his feelings on the topic.

Sasuke rolled his eyes and let out a quiet, aggravated sigh. "If it will make you shut the hell up and leave me alone, then by all means, _yes_! For the love of _avenging_, yes!" he ground out, attempting to quell a steadily growing tic in his left eye.

Apparently Sasuke's answer was _not _satisfactory for Naruto's peace of mind. The blonde narrowed his eyes and growled lowly.

"I don't want you to swear it because you want to get _rid _of me! BE A _MAN_ ABOUT IT, SASUKE-TEME!!!"

"I ALREADY _AM_, USURATONKACHI!!!"

"PROVE IT, YOU UGLY TEME!!!"

"FOR THE _LAST_ TIME, WE. ARE. _MARRIED_!!! WE _HAVE_ BEEN FOR A FULL YEAR AND A HALF! WHAT _ELSE_ DO YOU WANT?!"

There was now a fairly substantial crowd gathered about the two arguing shinobi, and you can bet they were getting a good show. All who were there already knew of the inane nature of the dispute, but no one was willing to step in to help settle it, for various reasons. Most people were familiar with the track records of the two males before them and knew better than to interfere in something that could potentially turn physical in a split second. (A Resengan/Chidori sandwich to the face would be _so _not cool.) But most were just keeping to the sidelines for the simple fact that you could not pay for this kind of entertainment, where two of the village's most prominent shinobi squabbled over an issue that _really _should not have been a concern (and would _not_ have been, had Naruto been just a _little _more quick on the uptake) and completely lose their cool over it. Priceless.

"Sakura-chan is like a sister to me," Naruto said quietly, all seriousness upon his whiskered face. "I'm watching you, teme. If you do anything to hurt her, I _swear_ I'll make you pay a _hundredfold_ what she felt."

Sasuke snorted and muttered, "Whatever dobe," as he began walking away from the most _surreal_ conversation he had had…well, since the _last_ _time_ the Uchiha had spoken with the Uzumaki.

"Never underestimate the power of a vengeful brother, Sasuke!" the blonde shouted, shaking a fist at the other male's retreating figure.

Sasuke stopped, turned back, and eyed Naruto with a raised brow, his look shouting, "Remember who you're talking to?"

Realization (_ssslllooowwwlllyyy_) dawned on the blonde nin, as he gave an awkward laugh. "Oh yeah! Right, right," Naruto mumbled, as the ex-_avenger_ turned away and went on his merry.

"Is he really going to be our next Hokage?" one spectator whispered to another, while watching as the jinchuuriki sought out the nearest ramen stand.

"Yeah…" another person answered slowly. After a pause, he added, "Kind of makes you hope he'll give a _lot_ of speeches, huh?"

"Yeah, that was what I was thinking, too."

* * *

Upon finding his way back to his home, Naruto was greeted with a nervously fidgeting Hinata. _Uzumaki_ Hinata, that is! For it was _their _home, as they had been married for a good seven months now.

"Hey, Hinata-chan!" Naruto shouted, inside voice _still _nonexistent, even after all these years. Watching his wife's reversion back to her perpetually stuttering days, as she attempted a greeting, made Naruto step back and eye her carefully.

"What's wrong, Hinata-chan?" he asked, face full of concern, as Naruto often was.

"N-nothing is wrong, Naruto-kun…" Hinata answered quietly. She took a deep breath and said in a near-whisper, "It's j-ju-just that I… I'm… I'm pregnant."

Here, the world ceased turning for a full eight-point-three seconds, as the cosmos considered the consequences of having more than one Uzumaki in the world carrying _Naruto's_ genes. … … … The Powers That Be shuddered violently at the thought, causing a few stars to get thrown off kilter and a number of planets to lose their orbits. But then they recovered and allowed the tiny blue globe known to its inhabitants as 'Earth' to resume its revolving/rotating spree.

Naruto gaped at the fidgeting Hyuuga woman with _disturbingly _wide eyes and an equally wide mouth. "Whaaa? You are?!" he _shrieked_.

Next to them, the window on the door _shattered_.

"Mhm," Hinata answered meekly, a blush creeping up her neck while a timid smile kept trying to hide itself from her lips.

"Oh---We---Tha---That's _awesome_, dattebayo!" Naruto shouted, while grabbing up Hinata in one of his overzealous bear hugs, which elicited an 'eep' from the woman and a subsequent desperate need for air.

Suddenly, the door to the next room slid open with a loud bang as one overly stoic Neji stepped out. "Uzumaki," he said lowly, eyes cast in shadow.

"Oh? Hey, White-eyes!" the blonde greeted, as he continued to grin from ear to ear. "What's up?"

Neji seemed to be gritting his teeth to nothingness before he hissed out, "You _defiled_ Hinata-sama."

"Whaaa?!" A look of pure confusion sat upon Naruto's face, before it was overtaken by an expression that screamed, "Oh, sweet ramen! I'm going to _die_ here, aren't I?!?!?!"

"No!" the jinchuuriki shouted, sweat suddenly coating his skin as his heart began to try to dig itself out of his chest. "I jus---"

"You must pay for your impropriety!" Neji shouted, as he glowered at Naruto with eyes that could have passed for Sharingan, rather than Byakugan, they were such a demonic red. "Hinata-sama is like a sister to me. You must do right by her!"

"Bu-Bu-But we're _married_!" Naruto cried, nearly whimpering. "You were _at_ our wedding!"

"That is irrelevant. Now, meet your fate like a man, Uzumaki."

"Nooo! Wait! This doesn't make any sense! Neji! Me and Hinata-chan are married! There's nothing wrong here!"

"Silence! Stop dodging and take your judgement like a true shinobi."

"But I didn't do anythiiiiinnnngggg-AAAHHHHH!!!!!"

* * *

"Sasuke-kun?"

"Hn?"

"You know how I accidentally let it slip to you that Hinata-chan is pregnant?"

"Aa."

"And how I told you _not_ to tell anyone, because she was going to tell Naruto today and then was going to work up the nerve to tell her family tomorrow? You remember that?"

"Aa."

"So why is it, do you think, that Neji-san is chasing Naruto down the street and threatening to Jyuuken him to death for 'stealing Hinata-sama's virtue', when he shouldn't even know that she's pregnant yet?"

"Tch… _Maybe_ someone who knew about the pregnancy _accidentally_ let it slip out when they thought Hyuuga wasn't around. _Perhaps_ Hyuuga did_ accidentally _overhear and is now overreacting, in a much similar fashion as Naruto himself did earlier today when he heard that _you _were pregnant."

"Yes. And that would all just be coincidence, _right_, _Sasuke-kun_?"

"Aa. Nothing but coincidence."

**Guttersnipe's Word: **So that's that. There's nothing like a misguided---though well-meaning---Naruto to torture our precious Mr. Avenger-person. And I just couldn't resist having Naruto get what he gives. Yes, Neji is OOC. This _is_ crackage, people. You were warned. Give Mr. Clicky a "Holla!" and review! Thanks.

**Coming Soon: The Eternal Soundtrack: Track 3:** This chapter will be my first straight up NaruHina story. I'm nervous about it, but I'm going through with it anyway. That will happen within the next week, provided writer's block doesn't make itself at home in my brainpan again.

Also, **Of Fear and Women, Chapter 3** and **Public Service Announcement, Chapter 3** will be out in the not-so-distant future. I've been working feverishly on the latter, though the former still eludes my inspiration. Oh well. It'll come eventually. If need be, I'll force it, since I promised both of them ages ago.


	4. Memories of What?

A Family of Sorts

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. That copyright belongs to Masashi Kishimoto.

**Chapter 4: Memories of--**_**What?!**_

The room was the same. The walls were the same off-white that made even the barest hint of colour seem vibrant by comparison. The curtains were the same coarse, disinfectant-laden polyester that made your skin cringe ever so slightly when they brushed against you. The tiles were the same worn green, devoid of the gloss that had at one time made them look clean, even when they weren't. It was all exactly the same. Just how it had looked the last time she had seen it, which to Sakura's recollection, was only yesterday, during her last shift at the hospital, where she currently found herself bedridden and being hovered over by four other shinobi. But there was something off with her perception, because, though it seemed like just yesterday to her, that memory was in fact from five months ago, and a few things had in fact changed in that time, as she was about to find out.

"So, I injured my head on a mission, and now I have amnesia? You've got to be joking."

"Oh, this is all quite serious, Sakura," Tsunade sighed, watching her apprentice carefully. "You know how this works."

"Yeah, but, it's so ridiculous," Sakura huffed, leaning back into her pillows and crossing her arms over her chest. "I mean…a baseball? I didn't even get damaged in a fight for the actual mission; I got hit in the head with a freaking baseball?! I…am mortified beyond belief, right now. Truly I am." She stared blankly at the sheets and shook her head.

"Well, if Naruto hadn't been fooling around like the dobe that he is, this never would have happened," Sasuke muttered, glaring at his best friend.

"Hey! It's not like I did it on purpose! Unlike you, I don't enjoy causing Sakura-chan pain!" Naruto defended, casting his own glare at the Uchiha.

"Are you calling me a sadist?"

"I don't see a need to call the kettle black, teme," Naruto sniffed.

"And I don't see a need to keep my fist from making contact with your ugly face," Sasuke gritted out.

"And _I_ don't see a need to not give the two of you anything but D-ranks for the next three months, if you don't shut up!" Tsunade shouted, spittle casting a fine sheen upon a nearby tray. Lovely.

The two dissenting nins continued to grumble amongst themselves, casting dark looks each other's way, but otherwise heeded their leader's thinly veiled warning.

"Do you know when her memories will return?" Kakashi asked, for once not reading his porn, but actually paying full attention to the proceedings. "Or are we looking at the possibility of that not even happening?"

Tsunade leaned against the window sill and looked at the Copy-nin with her standard serious gaze. "With the damage she has received, I would expect a full recovery of all her memories. How long that will take is up in the air, though. It all depends on her own attempts to regain her memories, as well as others helping her with that, and her brain's physical hardwiring. It comes back easier for some people, but not for others. We don't know enough about the inner workings of the human brain to determine why or how that is; we just know that this is going to take a little time." She smiled at the girl in the hospital bed. "But these three will be helping you with that until it happens!" She turned hard eyes and a deceptively easygoing smile to the three males. With a pointed look at Naruto, she clipped out, "You three will do all that is in your power to help Sakura during this confusing and frustrating time for her, now then, won't you boys?"

An "Of course, Tsunade-sama," "Aa," and "Right! Have no fear, Sakura-chan! The great Uzumaki Naruto is here!" were her answers.

She stared intently at the blonde male. "And they will be extra careful that they do not do any _further_ damage to you, isn't that right, Naruto?"

The jinchuuriki blushed, embarrassed, and nodded vigorously, desperate to _not_ tick the Hokage off more than she already was. Ohhh, she had not been happy when they got back yesterday. Not happy at all. Naruto surreptitiously patted his still-sore skull, testing to see how tender it was. He winced, cursing the apparent durability of sake carafes.

"Well, I'll leave you all to it then," Tsunade spoke airily, heading toward the door. "Got a three foot high stack of papers to sign."

Naruto snickered and murmured, "Sure. Don't you mean there's a three foot high bottle of sake for you to get drunk fr--OW!!" The blonde boy went flying into the outer wall, which was made of brick and so didn't crack, like the drywall would have. Tsunade was having enough trouble allocating funds for hospital maintenance as it was; she didn't need to be causing damages if she could avoid them, thus the necessary sideways direction in her powerful swipe as she continued out of the room.

"With how much she hits me I'm surprised _I_ don't have anaemia," Naruto muttered, righting his swaying form.

Sasuke snorted. "It's amnesia, you moron. She lost her memory, not her energy. Tch."

Naruto scowled at his dark-haired friend. "I knew that!" He took to pouting in a corner, while Kakashi related a few arbitrary things, not really showing much enthusiasm, as his eye was trained on a certain green book, though no one could say exactly when he had whipped that thing out. Oh, the mysteries in life…

Naruto had taken a retreat into his own little world, pondering about the current situation with Sakura, which he was largely at fault for. Unfortunately, as was previously stated, the blonde was in _his_ own little world, and Uzumaki Utopia was the place where understanding and intelligence over the point of seventy went to _die_.

_Sakura-chan doesn't remember me?! I can't believe this! It's horrible! Well…it doesn't have to be _that_ horrible. I could work some magic with this. Heh heh!_

"Hey! Hey! Sakura-chan!" Naruto shouted, jumping up and down as so many ADHD sufferers do (except they _usually_ learn how to control it by the time they're twenty-two!).

Sakura looked over at her blonde friend, her face expectant, and clearly holding off a laugh at the young man's antics.

"Why don't I tell you about some of the stuff that's been going on with us, huh? 'Cause I've got some really interesting developments to fill you in on, dattebayo! You ready? Are ya? Are ya?"

"Oh geez. Who gave you sugar today, dobe? You're acting like a freaking three year old on crack!" (And you can just guess who said that.)

"Shut up, teme! I wasn't talking to you!" Naruto yelled over his shoulder. "Don't you want Sakura-chan to know about what's been going on this past forever? Hmmm? Don't you think she has a right to know about you and--"

"Naruto. No," Sasuke cut in, all serious and no room for argument.

"Well, fine then! See if I care! But don't interfere while I tell her all about _my_ affairs!" And with that, the overdramatic blonde spun about and plopped himself down on a chair, dragging it over to the bed, his weight causing the metal legs to grate on the floor, as well as on the nerves of the room's three other occupants.

Once he was comfortably settled, and had earned an annoyed glare from each of his team-mates and former sensei, Naruto leapt into the grand retelling of past events, Narutofied to the point of untruth.

"Well, Sakura-chan. You and me… We sort of had this _thing_ going on." A poor attempt at indifference crossed the blonde's face, while Sakura quirked an eyebrow, an indignant snort sounded from Sasuke, and Kakashi quietly put his porn away and leaned back to enjoy the impending disaster that Naruto had just set into motion. "You confessed to crushing on me for _eternity_ and that you were desperately in love with me. But I have to come out and tell you that I broke your heart." He looked apologetically at the stock-still and dangerously quiet pink-head. "I _did_; I'm sorry Sakura-chan. But I had to do it. My burning love for Hinata-chan would not allow me to live a lie any longer. I called it off between us. I wanted to still be friends, but…" A sad, pitying look crossed his eyes as he shook his head. "Oh Sakura-chan… You cried so violently over it and then you declared to the _whole _village that your unstoppable love and desire for me would never burn out and how you would adore me to the end of your days and beyond. You even offered to be my _mistress_; a hot concubine on the side, and all that, but I had to gently pry your _desperate_ hands off of me and told you straight-up that, though the thought was nice and _very _hot, Hinata-chan would forever be the one and only for me." He sighed, lost in his elaborate tale, oblivious to the rising ire of not one but two of the room's occupants, and the absolute enjoyment of the third. "I suggested that you try and see if you and Sasuke didn't have some potential, but you were just like, "Naruto-kun! How could I settle for anything less than perfection, after I have loved one such as you for so long?! I can't stomach the thought of kissing that butt-ugly teme in place of you--the manliest man, the sexiest beast that's ever existed!" And then you started sobbing again--"

"Naruto," Sakura spoke evenly and in a voice devoid of all emotion.

"Yes, Sakura-chan?" the blonde asked, sugary pity and understanding positively gushing from his eyes and in his words. "Do you need a hug? I want you to know that I am always here for you, as a _friend_--"

"Naruto!" she shouted, now clearly showing the bubbling rage that had been simmering just below the surface. She levelled a very dark look at her team-mate, and hissed, "I lost the last five _months _of my memory, _not _my whole life! I know that nothing you just told me is true! You baka!"

A blur of fists came about to deal justice to Naruto's noggin, and they did not stop for a good three minutes. Three minutes of screams and begging and evil, evil cackling from one royally ticked off kunoichi.

Sasuke and Kakashi just watched on, neither motivated to intervene as they both enjoyed seeing Naruto get what was coming to him, especially when it was at the strong hand of Sakura. Really, there was a certain finesse in the girl's rough technique that made for a spectacular show.

"Sakura-chan! OW! I'm sorry!! AHHH!! I didn't know it was only five months – EEP!! I swear, I didn't know! OH, RAMEN, WHY?!"

"So, you being a moron gives you permission to lie to me?! I'm going to break that skull of yours for this, since it's obviously empty, you idiot!!"

"OOOOOOOOUUUUUUUCCCCCCCHHHHHHH!!"

Naruto fell limply to the floor with a loud thump.

Kakashi applauded quietly, eyes closed. "Just beautiful," he murmured. "Another wonderful performance, Sakura."

Said girl just gave a small, lopsided grin, before she resumed glaring at the mass of tenderized flesh formerly known as Naruto.

A gurgled groan sounded from the pile of human hamburger, but otherwise there was silence.

"Well," Kakashi began, standing from his chair. "I guess I should be going. I have a prior engagement that I would just be embarrassed to be more than three hours late for."

Sasuke and Sakura rolled their eyes. Naruto continued to groan pitifully.

"I guess I could take him with me and drop him off on the way," he murmured with a sigh.

The Hatake walked over to the felled blonde and poked him experimentally.

"Nnnnnnngggggggooooooooowwwwwww," was the drawn out response.

"Come on, Naruto," Kakashi coaxed, prodding his student with a sandaled toe, reading his favourite piece of literature. "Think of all the cup ramen just waiting to be devoured by you, at home."

That brought the jinchuuriki to claw his way up Kakashi's led in an attempt to regain his footing. The grey-head reached down and yanked the younger male up the rest of the way by the collar.

"I…showed that…Heffalump…didn't I…Kaka-sensei?" Naruto mumbled out, dazed and confused as the two began their journey out of the room.

"Mmm, yes, Naruto," Kakashi drawled. "That Heffalump didn't even have a chance."

The room's other two occupants just watched in mild amusement, as Naruto continued to blabber about his victory over some imaginary creature, as Kakashi and the blonde finally disappeared down the hall.

And then there were two.

An awkward silence hung in the wake of their blonde team-mate's mumblings. Awkward for Sakura; perfectly normal for Sasuke. There was no way the pink-head could put up with it.

"Aren't you going to go with them?" Sakura asked, half-hoping he would, the other half hoping he would plunk himself down in a chair and say he was there for the long haul. As though he would ever say such committing words…

"I'd rather stab myself in the eyes than hang around the dobe when he's in that state," Sasuke answered, eyes closed as he leaned against the pale wall. It matched his skin surprisingly well… "He's annoying enough when he isn't delirious."

Sakura couldn't disagree with that. But Sasuke's response didn't really tell her what he was still doing in her hospital room.

"So, Sasuke-kun," she began slowly, wanting a conversation to dampen the silence that had descended so quickly once again. "What have you been up to, these past five months?"

"Training and missions."

Sakura wilted. "No way," she spoke with faux astonishment. "I really didn't think _you_ would have been doing _that_."

Sasuke scoffed, obviously irked that his concise answer hadn't satisfied his team-mate. "Well, that's what I've been up to. There isn't much beyond that. Never is."

"I guess…" Sakura murmured, watching the shifting of the sheets as she twiddled her toes beneath them. Looking back up at her silent companion, as a thought struck her, she said, "But Naruto seemed to be hinting that something had happened with you, but you cut him off. What about that?"

Sasuke's face was erased of all emotion, as though someone had just run a rag over it in a flash. His eyes seemed glued to the tiled floor, as he crossed his arms over his chest, leaning back into the wall more.

"Well, you don't have to tell me if you don't want to, Sasuke-kun," she went on, observing his standoffish mannerisms. "I know Naruto sometimes blabs things that you don't intend for anyone to hear about, and--"

"I'm engaged."

Sakura was shocked into silence at those words. And slowly, a hollow pain began to burrow itself straight through her chest. All she could do was stare at him for a few frozen moments, as her lungs attempted to force themselves out of the death grip her sudden heartache had on them.

Finally, she managed to mumble out, "Oh… Congratulations, Sasuke-kun," though she nearly choked on the words.

"Hn," he responded, as he continued to stand there with a detached look; almost as though he wanted to be somewhere else.

_Naruto probably put him up to this. He probably just wants to go see his fiancé._

Her thoughts ceased abruptly as the dull ache in her chest hit sharp and hard.

Another woman. Another woman who would soon be his wife. Another woman who would be the mother of his children. Another woman who would get to be with him always.

Her breathing hitched slightly before it began coming in rapid bursts.

Fearing hyperventilation, Sakura decided more talking was the only way out of the current hell she was experiencing. (_A little hell for her heart…_)

"Whe-When is the wedding?" she breathed out, eyes trained on anything and everything that was not _him_.

"Two months," Sasuke answered, as he shifted against the wall into a more relaxed stance. "But I'm beginning to wonder if we'll make the date. She hasn't been here in a while to plan the thing."

"She isn't from Konoha, then?" Sakura asked, her voice surprisingly steady for the amount of dying she was enduring inside.

"No, I just meant she's been off doing other things lately, so she hasn't been home in Konoha that often so she can focus on wedding plans. She's the one responsible for that stuff, not me."

"Oh, I see," Sakura mumbled. "You haven't been with her for that long then. I don't remember you seeing anyone, unless you were keeping it on the down-low."

"Actually, I've been with her for about ten years now. We went through a separation for a time, but that was entirely my doing. And she still took me back afterwards. We didn't get serious until about four months ago. The whole thing moved pretty fast."

Sakura just nodded her head numbly. She did not know how else to respond to the account of his relationship. She did not _want _to respond to it.

_Ten years? He's been with her for ten years? He must have had some manner of relationship with her back when we were genin, then. He's had such a long relationship with the same girl? No wonder he has always turned down every date request he's gotten: he already had someone. I never saw it. All these years, I just never saw it._

"Well, I'm…happy for you, Sasuke-kun," she managed to say with a genuine, if strained, smile. "I hope you two have a good life together. You deserve it."

"Hn. I hope that too."

"Excuse me, Haruno-san?" A nurse peeked into the room, from the half-open doorway.

"Yes?"

"Shizune-san sent me to tell you that you are free to go now. She has taken care of your discharge papers already," the nurse informed her, looking uncomfortable, as she seemed to grasp the awkward timing she had just executed.

"Oh, thank you," Sakura answered, slipping out of the bed, already dressed in preparation for her impending discharge.

The nurse left, and not in leisurely manner, either.

"You ready to go then?" Sasuke asked gruffly, not looking at her.

"Uh, yeah," Sakura said hesitantly, glancing between him and the table, where her items lay. "All my stuff is right here."

Sasuke picked up her bag and headed for the door.

"Sasuke-kun, you don't have to do that. I can walk home myself."

"I'm going to your place anyway."

"Huh?" Sakura gaped at him, thoroughly confused. "You are? Why?"

"Tch," he huffed, clearly unhappy with her inability to put two and two together. "Because you need someone to supervise you while you work on planning our wedding. You've been slacking off and shirking it with all these recent missions."

"_What?!"_

"And here. The medics gave it to me for safe keeping when they worked on you," he said, while slipping something on her left ring finger.

Sakura gaped at the jewellery that graced her hand.

"Y-y-you mean to say…"

"Tch. Just how hard did the dobe hit your head? Who else could I have been talking about? Annoying…" he grumbled.

"That's not fair!" Sakura cried, watching the back of his head as he took long strides ahead of her, not pausing as she came to grips with this new information. "I'm an amnesiac! I had no way of knowing you were speaking about me!"

"Whatever. Just hurry up. You have work to do."

"But I can't plan a wedding in two months! It's impossible!" she wailed, already tallying all the preparations she would have to see to. She would have to recruit Ino, that much she knew.

"Actually, it's six months," Sasuke answered blithely, "since you've already been working on it for the past four."

"But those don't count! I don't remember them. It's like starting from scratch and--Hey!" She paused, her mind finally catching up to the information he had dumped on her. "Are you saying that you proposed to me after what could have only been a maximum of _one month _of dating?!"

Sasuke sighed, still not pausing in his rapid gait. "No. I proposed to you after _no _dating at all."

"_What?!"_

"Well, it's not like I don't know you. Ten years, remember? I didn't need to date you to know I'd want you to be my wife." Oh, she could tell that it took a lot out of him to say that, the way he forced it out with a mutter.

"Maybe _you _don't need it, but did you ever think that maybe _I _would have liked it?" she continued, adamant about not letting this article slide.

Another sigh escaped the Uchiha's lips. "You nagged me about this the first time, too."

"'_Nagged_' you? '_Nagged_' you?!"

"_Yes_. _Nagged _me. I won't retract that," he answered, turning back to give Sakura a meaningful look. "And that is why I made sure to take you on numerous dates after the proposal."

"Well, if you did that…then I think you should do it again!"

"Sakura…"

"Hey! I don't remember ever going on a date with you. If you expect me to still marry you, you had better give me some reasons and happy memories to cement that decision with. You can't expect me to slave away at planning a wedding when I'm not even sure if we have romantic chemistry on something as simple as a date!"

"Fine, fine," he grudgingly ceded. "I'll take you on a date. But then you have to get to work on the planning. The wedding cannot be delayed."

"Oh, Sasuke-kun!" she giggled, a blush creeping into her cheeks. "You're so anxious to marry me!"

He gave her a pointed look. "One per year for the next twelve years, Sakura."

"Huh?"

"If we postpone the wedding, this year's 'delivery' will not be made. I simply cannot have that."

"'Delivery?' Sasuke-kun, what ar--"

"You'll see, Sakura," Sasuke spoke in a low, smooth voice, a sly smirk playing at his lips. "_Nine_ _months_ after the wedding, you will know _exactly _what I'm talking about." Another smirk curved his lips, as Sakura continued to be confused and completely ignorant to the images of rattles and strollers and black-haired, green-eyed miniatures occupying Sasuke's mind.

* * *

"Sasuke-kun?"

"Hn?"

"I was talking with Tenten-san, and--"

"Who?"

"Tenten-san; Neji-san and Lee-san's team-mate."

"Hn." _Crap. I forgot about her. This isn't good…_

"Anyway, I was talking with her, and _she_ says that she hadn't heard anything about our engagement before that amnesia-inducing accident I had."

"Hn. I guess she just wasn't in the know." _She was the only loose end. It would have been perfect if I had just remembered…Tintin?_

"Oh, I don't think that's what's going on here. You didn't propose to me four months ago, did you?! That was all a lie! You giving me that ring in the hospital was the first time you ever suggested marriage to me, wasn't it?! And you had somehow gotten everyone to pretend your little four-month story was true!"

"Tch. Where's your proof? All you have is the word of some person…Tintin, was it?"

"Tenten."

"Whatever." _A perfect plan gone to waste. Freaking Tantan._

"And I do have proof. I beat it out of Naruto. He's currently hallucinating about talking to an elephant named Babar, I think."

"…Freaking dobe. I knew I should have taken extra care with him."

"What was that, Sasuke-kun?"

"Nothing."

**Guttersnipe's Word: **Well, I'm glad that's over. I figure, Sasuke isn't the type to get down on one knee and propose, or anything. But I can see him taking advantage of a situation like Sakura contracting amnesia and telling her a lie like that to get her to marry him. It's underhanded and kind of pathetic, that he wasn't man enough to propose directly, but, he is Sasuke. Boy works in mysterious (and screwed up) ways. Both myself and Mr. Clicky would appreciate it if you would review. And thank you to all of those who have done so in the past. I'm extremely grateful for the support.


	5. What Lies Beneath

A Family of Sorts

Disclaimer: I do not own _Naruto_. That copyright belongs to Masashi Kishimoto.

**Chapter 5: What Lies Beneath**

They had never seen anything like it. It was utterly captivating...and _not_ in a good way.

Such putrescent discolouration of flesh; it was enough to make even Sakura, who was used to seeing the gory side of shinobi injuries, have difficulty keeping her eyes on this vile vision.

The formerly healthy, pink flesh was now a revolting blue-black and bloated up to the point of being misconstrued as inhuman. A slimy stain of old blood surrounded the puncture wound, lending to an unpleasant smell, no doubt, though none of them dared get close enough to know for sure. Yellowish sludge oozed out of the wound, carrying trace amounts of blood with it.

The entire visage resembled something from an already decomposing corpse, all gooey and rotten; discoloured and disfigured.

But that was not what they were looking at. No.

What Team Seven was looking at was their very much alive sensei, Hatake Kakashi. More specifically, Hatake Kakashi's tongue.

"I'th pre'y awethome, huh?" (Kakashilator: "It's pretty awesome, huh?") Kakashi said, lisping around his swollen tongue piercing.

"_What_ was the point of that? You wear a freaking mask. No one is going to see it," Sasuke muttered, grimacing mildly at the silver post-sporting oral limb.

"Thomeone migh'. You did," (Kakashilator: "Someone might. You did,") Kakashi retorted, attempting a dignified air, despite the engorged and horribly infected tongue lolling out of his mouth.

"And believe me, we wish we hadn't," Naruto said, cringing at his sensei's still-open mouth. "It looks like a rotten banana peel…covered with rotting tomatoes."

"The first time you show us what's under your mask and you show us _that_?!" Sakura half-shouted, incredulous at her teacher's behaviour. "What's wrong with you?!"

"I wath exthi'ed abou' i', I gueth. I didn' wan' 'oo wai' for the thwelling 'oo go down." (Kakashilator: I was excited about it, I guess. I didn't want to wait for the swelling to go down.")

"Why…? No, seriously, _why_ did you do this?" Sasuke asked, staring at Kakashi's tongue as though the mass of infected flesh were a new species of fish that completely fascinated him. "I honestly _need_ to know why you got this done. It's like something is compelling me and I _must _know."

Kakashi shrugged lazily. "I wath bored." (Kakashilator: "I was bored.")

The three students stared at their teacher with blank faces.

"That's it?!" Sakura nearly shrieked she was so incredulous, her eyebrows having shot up into her hairline (and we all know that's _quite_ a distance to go!). "You were bored?! You go out and get yourself a body piercing when you're bored?"

"Well, I don' make a habi' of i'. I juth dethided 'oo thith 'ime." (Kakashilator: "Well, I don't make a habit of it. I just decided to this time.")

"And have you learned from this experience at all?"

Kakashi nodded, with eyes closed; the image of a boy who _definitely_ knew the answer to the teacher's question. "Never ea' thushi righ' af'er ge''ing your 'ongue pierthed." (Kakashilator: "Never eat sushi right after getting your tongue pierced.")

The other three wilted at their sensei's response.

"How about not getting a tongue piercing...ever?" Naruto offered, wrinkling his nose as he caught sight of the appendage in question. "Really, Kaka-sensei. Why'd you do that? It's… It's making me want to lose my precious ramen lunch." He pressed a calming hand to his chest, feeling the threat of bile rising there.

"I' theemed cool. You don' like i'?" (Kakashilator: "It seemed cool. You don't like it?")

"No! Of course we don't like it!" Sakura snapped, cringing at her sensei. "Especially because I _know_ who's going to have to treat you for sepsis because of it!" She gave Kakashi a pointed look. "And you're _going_ to need it, sensei; the way that thing is…festering and…ugh."

"A thmall thacrifithe," (Kakashilator: "A small sacrifice.") he shrugged.

Sakura narrowed her eyes on the older man. "You _wanted_ this to happen, didn't you?! You _like_ being in the hospital! Now you're hoping you'll get to stay there while this infection of yours is treated!" She shook her head in mild disgust at the grey-head. "Well, you can think again! You can suffer with your piercing! Treat it yourself!"

"Bu' I can' 'ath'e anything… Exthep' old blood. I'th really groth." (Kakashilator: "But I can't taste anything… Except old blood. It's really gross.")

"Well, you should have thought of that before you just up and decided to get a piercing, on a whim!"

The sensei seemed to deflate, casting a droopy eye to the ground.

"It's so…revolting," Sasuke breathed, eyeing the infected flesh with an interest he had never openly shown before. But he couldn't help it; it was as though he were drawn to it. Like the piercing was calling him to stare as intently at it as he could. The image would stay with him for weeks, now. There was no way he could forget such a provokingly disgusting image. "I never thought I'd see someone with a grosser tongue than Orochimaru's, but there it is…" He shook his head, still unable to come to grips with what he was seeing. "I can't even wrap my mind around this. I… I…am so grossed out right now, I can't even describe it."

"Oh, I am right there with you, teme," Naruto murmured, casting a skewed look at Kakashi's mouth again, tilting his head to the right to get a different angle. "It's like, it's _so_ disgusting that you _have_ to look at it."

"Aa," Sasuke responded, nodding slightly, eyes never leaving the object of their attention.

Kakashi didn't _want_ to leave his mouth open for his callous students to scrutinize and insult his freaking awesome piercing. It was just that, he couldn't close his mouth without cringing and causing himself substantial amounts of pain. And he'd put his mask back on, but it tended to _trap_ the rather unpleasant scent of the infection, which he was having trouble enough with _tasting_. He didn't need the enhancement of odour to come into play.

"Have you shown this to anyone else?" Sakura asked, watching Kakashi with the expression of a rather displeased parent, and it struck at the Copy-nin's esteem more than it should have.

_My students are disappointed with me. I never thought the day would come when _I_ would be the one being chastised by them. Well, I've been reprimanded by Sakura before, so I kind of expected it, but both Naruto _and_ Sasuke?! I liked it better when they couldn't agree on anything so then one of them would have defended me, when the other questioned why I got a piercing, just to spite each other. Those were the days._

He sighed as he answered, "Yeth. I thowed Gai, and he gave me a thpeesh abou' the "Unyouthfulneth of body pierthing." He juth' thaysh tha' becaushe he had a pierthing onth, and i' go' caugh' on hish Green Thpandeth Jumpthui'. Now he'sh _half_ ash capable of having kidsh, becaushe of i'." (Kakashilator: "Yes. I showed Gai, and he gave me a speech about the "Unyouthfulness of body piercing." He just says that because he had a piercing once, and it got caught on his Green Spandex Jumpsuit. Now he's _half_ as capable of having kids, because of it.")

Sasuke and Sakura cringed deeply, faces contorted into looks of utter detest.

"Ugh! Kakashi-sensei! We did _not_ need to know that!" Sakura wailed, putting hands on the side of her face and shaking her head, as though in an effort to erase _that_ mental image from her mind.

Sasuke sniffed rather indignantly, lip curled in disgust.

Naruto blinked at his sensei and teammates. His blue eyes were ripe with confusion, as he asked, "What do you mean? How could a piercing getting caught on his clothes make it so Super-eyebrows-sensei can't have kids?"

"Well, Naru'o," (Kakashilator: "Well, Naruto,") Kakashi began slowly, smiling around his swollen tongue. "I' meansh he had a pierthing "down below," tha' go' caugh' on hish thpandesh during 'aiju'thu 'raining, and i' reshul'ed in the _'earing_ of ther'ain flesh, which hash now reshul'ed in him being _half_ ash fer'ile." (Kakashilator: "It means he had a piercing "down below," that got caught on his spandex during taijutsu training, and it resulted in the _tearing_ of certain flesh, which has now resulted in him being _half_ as fertile.")

"I still don't get it," Naruto mumbled, looking lost.

"It means he had a piercing where the sun don't shine, and when it got caught on his clothes, where the sun don't shine was irrevocably _torn_," Sakura muttered, glaring at the ground as she explained the rather disturbing scenario to her oblivious friend.

Naruto frowned for a few more moments, pondering the kunoichi's explanation. Then his eyes snapped on Sakura and then on Kakashi and Sasuke, realization forcing his eyes to become widened saucers. "OH! OHHHHHH! OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH… Uuuuugggghhhhh… Owwwww…."

"Yeah," both Kakashi and Sasuke muttered.

"Probably for the besh'," (Kakashilator: "Probably for the best,") Kakashi added, prompting small shrugs and nods from each of his students. He had a point.

"Even so," Sakura continued, inexplicably irked by her sensei's actions, "he was right. You shouldn't have gotten it. I mean, look at your current situation. Somehow I doubt anyone's going to tell you that you made a good move here."

"Anko liketh i'," (Kakashilator: "Anko likes it,") he commented with a mischievous and marginally perverted grin, despite the inflamed, skewered muscle peeking out of his mouth.

"Okay, see? _That_ is an example of something we _never_ want to hear about," Sakura said, body rigid in an expression of "ewness."

Naruto just nodded in agreement while Sasuke's brow cringed, though the rest of his face remained motionless. It was like he had gotten Botox injections in his lower face, but not in his forehead. Was that even possible? What sort of muscular training did you have to do to achieve such precise facial movements? Perhaps a few tendons were unattached in his lower face…

"Hey. I'th juth' a fac' of life. I though' you three were old enough 'o hear abou' thith thor' of thing." (Kakashilator: "Hey. It's just a fact of life. I thought you three were old enough to hear about this sort of thing.")

"We are, just not from you. It's...weird."

"How tho? I'th juth' me. Your ever-pathien'," (Kakashilator: "How so? It's just me. Your ever-patient,") he gave Sakura a pointed look, "underth'anding," (Kakashilator: "understanding,") Naruto got the same look, "and forgiving, thenthei," (Kakashilator: "and forgiving, sensei,") Kakashi finished, eyeing Sasuke meaningfully.

"You can't use that on us in this situation, sensei," Naruto insisted, shaking his head at the grey-haired man's guilt-inducing look. "We're immune to your guilt trips."

"Are you now? Wha' if I were 'o remind you who helped you ge' your thuper-awethome ju'thu, Fuu'on: Rathen-Thuriken? Hmmm? And you." (Kakashilator: "Are you now? What if I were to remind you who helped you get your super-awesome jutsu, Fuuton: Rasen-Shuriken? Hmmm? And you.") He turned to Sasuke. "Who 'augh' you thoshe movesh you love 'o ushe tho much? The thuper-thpeed and my own legathy, Chidori? And you! You, Thakura! Who 'augh' you...? Who 'augh' you...? Hmm..." (Kakashilator: "Who taught you those moves you love to use so much? Hm? The super-speed and my own legacy, Chidori? And you! You, Sakura! Who taught you...? Who taught you...? Hmm...")

"Indeed. _Who_ taught me, _sensei_?" Sakura goaded, arms crossed over her chest, weight on her left leg, an air of righteous annoyance about her.

"Oh crap." (Kakashilator: "Oh crap.")

"Oh? Is it _finally_ hitting you? You're only five years slow..." she trailed off, grumbling under her breath.

A relieved light sparked in Kakashi's lone eye as he said, "Well... Who 'augh' you abou' genju'thu during your genin thurvival 'raining? Hm?" (Kakashilator: "Well... Who taught you about genjutsu during your genin survival training? Hm?")

Sakura stared at him as though he has just called her fat. "_That's it?_" she shrieked indignantly. "_That's_ what you come up with? You've been my sensei for five years and you have to go all the way back to when we _first_ _met_ for something you taught me? And you didn't even really teach me genjutsu, you just showed me a freaky scene of Sasuke-kun all mangled and near death, after which I passed out from the shock. And then when I saw him again, with just his head sticking above ground, I thought it _really was_ just his head, so I fainted again."

"That's what that was about?" the mentioned Uchiha mumbled to himself, a small curiosity from his past finally explained.

The pink-head was on a roll now. "You figured out that I had a penchant for genjutsu, but did you build on that? No! You determined that I was gifted in that realm, and then you just ignored that little fact."

"Well, he did teach you tree walking, with chakra, Sakura-chan," Naruto pointed out, finger raised.

She sighed tiredly. "Yes, I'll give him that. Tree walking. But it took me barely any time to do that. After which he could have taught me more things, but he didn't."

"Well, in my defenthe, you never athked. You athked Tthunade-thama for athith'anthe bu' no' me." (Kakashilator: "Well, in my defence, you never asked. You asked Tsunade-sama for assistance but not me.")

"I shouldn't have had to ask!" Sakura shouted, steaming from the ears. "That's such a lame excuse! _They_ didn't ask, but you still taught them almost every useful jutsu in their arsenals."

"Hey, hey!" Naruto interrupted, waving his hands as he stepped forward, eyeing his sensei and teammate concernedly. "Let's not get all broken up over this. Sakura-chan." the blonde turned honest blue eyes on the kunoichi. "Kakashi-sensei screwed up and he's sorry. Or at least he better be, unless he wants you to _make_ him sorry with that inhuman strength that he _didn't_ teach you." Naruto cast a meaningful arched-eyebrowed look at the man in question. "And Kakashi-sensei, Sakura-chan is feeling abandoned by your lack of concern for her tutelage, especially since it was _you_ who taught us to value our team above all else. In blunt and simple terms, you suck. Is that about the gist of everyone's sentiments here?" He looked back and forth between the other three, seeing shrugs and nods of assent from his teammates and a dead, pierced look from the Copy-nin.

"Ish nothing I do good enough for you three?" (Kakashilator: "Is nothing I do good enough for you three?") Kakashi asked flatly, a sigh chasing his words.

"Not when you do it halfway like this, no," Sakura sniffed, turning her face away in mild indignation.

"More like _two-thirds_, Sakura-chan."

"Yes, I _know_, Naruto." Sakura rolled her eyes. "Please go use your newfound math skills to calculate just how much we _didn't_ need that little tidbit from you."

"I never in'ended 'o make you feel abandoned, Thakura," (Kakashilator: "I never intended to make you feel abandoned, Sakura.") the older man explained quietly.

The kunoichi wasn't moved, as she replied, "But you never intended to teach me either, so that's not much of a consolation."

"Wha' abou' if I thaid I didn' think you needed ash much of my thupervishion ash theshe 'wo?" (Kakashilator: "What about if I said I didn't think you needed as much of my supervision as these two?")

She nearly snorted at that as she countered, "Like Sasuke-kun needed more tutelage than me, him being your little prodigy?"

Not missing a beat, Kakashi tried another angle. "They needed ther'ain life coaching due 'o their thircumth'anthes." (Kakashilator: "They needed certain life coaching due to their circumstances.")

"So, because I wasn't damaged goods like them, I couldn't get the training I would need to protect my friends and family from the things that damaged _them_ in the first place?" Sakura summarized, a pink brow quirking as she crossed her arms and tapped a foot, tiny shockwaves shaking the nearby trees with each movement. "Keep digging; you've got to be getting to the bottom of that pile of crap you've been shovelling me."

"_Damaged goods?_" Naruto and Sasuke both frowned at the term.

A sigh deflated her stout posture before she said, "You know what? I don't even care anymore. Well, no. I _do_ care, but I don't feel like having this discussion right now when you're being so dodgy about it and you're trying to speak with..._that_." Her lip curled slightly at the sight. "I just don't understand this. It's like some sad attempt at reclaiming your youth." A light formed in her eyes as realization dawned on her. "Sensei," Sakura spoke softly, as an understanding parent speaks to her sullen child. "Have you been taking our comments about your age to heart? Because, we don't mean to hurt your oversensitive, girlish, man-feelings. They're just jokes. But I suppose, to someone your age, the context of the jokes are becoming more real." She gave a reassuring smile to her wilting teacher, overlooking his down-turned lips and frowning eye (though, in her defence, it was difficult to notice such signs when you weren't used to seeing the lower half of a person's face, and the newly revealed mug was sporting a rather unsightly infection).

"I'll juth' pre'end tha' wash "I'm happy if you're happy"," (Kakashilator: "I'll just pretend that was "I'm happy if you're happy",") Kakashi mumbled dolefully.

"Does it really matter how we feel about it?" Naruto asked, quirking his blonde brow in question.

"Of courthe i' ma'erth." (Kakashilator: "Of course it matters.")

"Why?"

Kakashi sighed, slouching into himself as his gaze took on a distant light. "You're my th'uden'th; my kidsh. The momen' you th'op looking up 'o me, I'm done for. The innothen' awe and rethpec' you guysh ushed 'o have for me... I'th all faded away now." (Kakashilator: "You're my students; my kids. The moment you stop looking up to me, I'm done for. The innocent awe and respect you guys used to have for me... It's all faded away now.") He shook his head at the thought.

The sad puppy look on the older man's face pulled at Sakura's heartstrings. "Aw, sensei. We still love you," she assured him.

Naruto and Sasuke cringed.

"Okay, we still _like_ you," she amended. Then, eyeing her two teammates' dubious looks, she shrugged and finished, "Well, Naruto and I like you."

There were no further silent objections from her male teammates.

"Tha'th thwee'. You're like the thonth and daugh'er I'll never have," (Kakashilator: "That's sweet. You're like the sons and daughter I'll never have,") Kakashi spoke, nostalgia seeping into his usually bland voice. Then he added, "You know, if I knocked up thome girl a' four'een." (Kakashilator: "You know, if I knocked up some girl at fourteen.")

"Okay, you just ruined the moment right there," Sakura grumbled.

**Guttersnipe's Word:** Because Kakashi is weird and I love him for that. Though it _really_ bothers me that he never taught Sakura anything... Initially, I wasn't going to have the translations, but after reading it through a few times, I realized that very, very few people, if any, would understand what Kakashi was saying, hence the Kakashilator: the Kakashi translator! *confetti falls from the sky* It's just that awesome. And if you think it's hard to read now, I originally had four speech impediments in Kakashi's words (there are only two in this version), but opted to do away with two of them for my own sanity's sake. (Editing this was _horrible_.)

The next chapter should be out in a few days. ...Unless I allow my lazy alter-ego, Super Sloth to take over. We'll see.

Mr. Clicky is situated below to your left. His hand is raised, awaiting your high-five. Don't leave him hanging! Give him a high-five and review. Thanks!


	6. The Birds and the Bees and Naruto

A Family of Sorts

Disclaimer: I do not own _Naruto_. That copyright belongs to Masashi Kishimoto.

**Chapter 6: The Birds and the Bees…and Naruto**

Conversations with Naruto were always..._unique_, to say the least. And since Sasuke had yet to find an exception to this rule, he knew the moment the blonde opened his mouth, peace would cease to exist for his mind.

"Hey, teme?"

"What, dobe?"

"How'd _you_ learn about it?" Naruto asked.

"How did I learn about what?" Sasuke replied, not really interested, but having nothing better to do than humour the blonde.

"You _know_."

Sasuke just gave him a look that said, "If I knew I wouldn't have asked."

"About sex."

Sasuke began to choke on air. He did _not_ just ask him that. If the dobe didn't already know about the facts of life, well then he was just going to have to deal with it, because there was _no_ way Sasuke was getting into _that_ conversation with him.

"Teme?"

_Nope. He didn't ask that. He did not ask that. He's not even talking to me. He's talking to someone else. Yeah, that's it._

"Teme!"

"_What? Why? Why _are you asking me this?" Sasuke shouted, well past being merely flustered by the topic at hand. "Please tell me you don't need someone to explain it to you, because I will _not _and I mean _will not_ be that person!" he said, chopping his hand through the air to emphasize his point.

"Chill, Sasuke-teme," Naruto said, raising his hands in a "calm down" manner. "I was just wondering. I mean, you were alone at a young age, and me… Well, neither of us had anyone who would explain such to us, so I was just wondering how _you _came across it."

Sasuke sighed in defeat. Why? Why him? He considered continuing to ignore the dobe, but he was looking at him with such expectant eyes that he knew immediately that there would be no escaping it.

_Best to just get it over and done with._

"I just…picked it all up in passing," the Uchiha muttered, clearly uncomfortable.

"All of it?" Naruto asked, eyes wide and intense.

"Yeah, you know. Bits and pieces, here and there," Sasuke said gruffly, eyes shifting about the area, though he tried valiantly to _not _be awkward in his testimony. "Between health class in the academy and the odd disturbing conversation I would have the unfortunate luck of overhearing, I got the gist of it." He paused and looked off to the side, thoughtful. "And anything that was still ambiguous was completely demystified during that month I spent training with Kakashi for the Chuunin Exam." A shudder escaped the Uchiha teen's spine, as a sour look took residence upon his face. "He may be obsessed with those books, but the one thing he loves more than that smut, is talking about real-life encounters and what he _wishes_ were real-life encounters." Sasuke stared intently into Naruto's rapt blue eyes. "A thirteen-year-old does _not_ need to hear about the private fantasies of a twenty-seven-year-old pervert. Seriously. I swore then and there that I would _never_ pick up one of those hentai books. Ever. It's just disturbing…" he spoke, shaking his head.

"Oh." Naruto screwed up his face, obviously dissatisfied. "How come that didn't work for me? I heard stuff and remember stuff from the academy, and I didn't get it until Ero-sennin made me read his books." His brow furrowed slightly more as he added, "Actually, even after that I still didn't really get it." He shook his head. "Ero-sennin's writing has a lot of contradictions in it. I mean, I don't care if he says his stuff is based on first-hand research, it is just physically impossible for people to bend like that!"

"Dobe!" Sasuke yelled, a wide-eyed glare boring into the addressed male. "I don't want to hear it! I threw back that trash when Kakashi gave it to me for a reason."

"Kakashi-sensei gave you porn?" Naruto asked, a little surprised and insulted that his teacher hadn't given him the same treatment. _Well, we all know who his favourite is_. "When was this?"

"During training for the Chuunin Exam," the Uchiha muttered, scowling at an innocent clump of grass.

(Flashback)

_Kakashi tossed a small object at the bored Uchiha. Sasuke caught it and squinted at it in the dim light of the fire. The moment he saw the tell-tale red circle with a line through it, he threw it back at the grinning jounin, as though it were a hot potato._

"_What the heck are you playing at, Kakashi?!" Sasuke yelled, though it came out slightly more shrill than that, much to our adolescent avenger's chagrin. _

Freaking hormones…

"_Well, you looked bored. So I thought that might interest you; give you something to occupy your time with," the grey-head replied smoothly, a smile evident in his voice._

"_I'm a minor. It's illegal to supply…_that_ to minors," Sasuke seethed, desperately trying to suppress the blush he could feel burning up his pale cheeks. Now he was thankful for the dim light, though he doubted that could stop Kakashi from noticing._

_The sensei chuckled. "Well, you've had adult responsibilities for a while now, I just thought it right to let you have some adult _perks_ too!"_

"_Whatever," Sasuke muttered, turning around on his roll to lie down. "I'm going to sleep." After a moment, he added, "And I don't want to hear any of your dirty man-giggles, either."_

_Kakashi let out a quiet giggle at this._

"_Like that! I don't need to hear that."_

(End of Flashback)

"Oh," Naruto grunted, lip curling in a mix of a smirk at his friend's embarrassment and a cringe of disgust at their teacher's perversion (while conveniently forgetting his own depraved activities). A sadistic glint edged his eyes as an idea popped into his _unique_ mind. "Maybe you should have read it, teme. It's probably the closest to any action you'll ever get."

"Shut it, usuratonkachi," the Uchiha snapped, eyes narrowed to barely discernable slits. "And just drop it, already. Why would you even bring something like this up, anyway? Even if you did wonder, you really didn't need to ask something like that."

"Well, I'm just making conversation," his companion shrugged. "You're so anal, I figured I'd have to be the one to think of something."

"So, your idea of a good topic for discussion was how we learned about sex?" Sasuke snorted at the thought. "And you wonder why Sakura refuses to listen to you when you open your mouth."

"Shut up, teme!" the blonde screeched. A satisfied glow settled in his eyes. "At least she responds to _me_. Sakura-chan doesn't even talk to you!"

The Uchiha scowled, but didn't say anything. The dobe was right, after all. Sakura didn't talk to him. Aside form a "hello" and "goodbye," she never said a word to him.

Of course, the circumstances surrounding their lack of public interaction were a mite more complicated than Naruto understood them to be, and not at all what it seemed. But, Sasuke wasn't about to tell the blonde that. Secrets were meant to be kept, as it were.

"I'm still trying to figure out what you did to piss her off so badly, but the list is so long, I don't even know where to start."

"Dobe," Sasuke growled, glaring at the cheeky jinchuuriki.

"It's not like it's not true," Naruto said, waving off his friend's quiet threat. "You used to be able to do no wrong, but now you can _only _do wrong! Let's face it, Sasuke; Sakura-chan can't stand you anymore!"

_Not quite, dobe._

"Tch. Who cares? At least now she's not annoying me with telling me she loves me and promises of doing anything for me…" he trailed off, remembering that he was speaking to Naruto. Naruto, who didn't know about that particular detail of their parting, five years ago.

The other male's head snapped up, eyes peeled for any visual tells he could find. "Huh? Promised to do anything for you…?" He scowled, not liking how that sounded. "What the hell's that supposed to mean? Are you saying that Sakura-chan said those things to you before?! When was this?"

"Never mind. It doesn't matter," Sasuke grumbled, irritated with himself for spilling something that would bring him a greater annoyance in Naruto than the guy had been before.

"If it doesn't matter, then why do you remember it?" the jinchuuriki demanded, face set in a concerned-bordering-on-angry look. His mind clicked and whirred, thinking on the many implications of the words in question, and the standoffish attitude Sasuke had about them. Naruto gasped, his eyes widening in incredulity. "You're going to hold her to it, aren't you?!"

"What?"

"Her promise! You're looking to cash-in on what she promised you and taking _all_ that it could apply to! Hentai! HENTAI!"

"Shut up, usuratonkachi!" Sasuke hissed lowly, thankful that no one was around, but not trusting that situation to persist in his current, embarrassing state. Goodness knew how loud the dobe could shout his inane and insane accusations. Idiot. "What the hell's wrong with you?!"

"Your perverted mind and sense of entitlement is what's wrong with me, teme!" Naruto shouted, just as Sasuke feared he would. The teen's face was red and quivering in absolute disdain for what he was now convinced---despite his absolute and total lack of evidence---his best friend was going to do to his beloved (though abusive) team-mate. "I can't believe you'd try to hold Sakura-chan to something she said when she was young and had _terrible_ taste in guys!"

"I'm not holding her to anything! I haven't even done anything."

"But you're planning on it!"

"Planning on what? If it's killing you, then yes, I am!"

"No! The birds and the bees, teme! Birds and the bees!"

"You're a moron."

"It all makes sense now!" Naruto declared, finger raised in a lecturing manner, as though he _really_ knew what he was talking about. "You talking about how we learned about sex, and then bringing up how Sakura-chan doesn't talk to you anymore, and then slyly mentioning what she used to say to you."

Sasuke's eyes narrowed to disbelieving slits. He was awed. "You're a lunatic. _You_ brought up those topics, except for the last one. But I didn't intend to say that out loud, just the part about her being annoying."

"Hmm…" the blonde hummed, scratching his chin in a thoughtful manner. He was really trying here. "Well, I guess that's what you call a Freudian Slip, hey Sasuke?" he chuckled.

The addressed male scowled. "No. That's what you call you're being an idiot, like usual, so I'm going home."

Naruto frowned as his friend stalked off. "My explanation sounded smarter," he shouted after the retreating figure.

* * *

After escaping the mentally challenged accusations of Naruto, Sasuke withdrew to the solitude of his home, intent on spending the remainder of his day in the familiar and, sadly, comfortable brooding silence to be found there.

Ah, there would be no insanely outrageous charges put against him here. No sanity-bending connections being made where there were none. No comments on his deteriorated relationship with Sakura.

_She can't stand me, any more? Pfft. As if. And I thought the dobe was into noticing _emotion-related _crap like that._

He settled into his chair in the corner, prepared to study a scroll that he had found kicking around in the dusty and barren corners of his home. He doubted it would prove terribly useful, but when one lacked hobbies, as Sasuke did, and there was only so much training one could do when the drive to get stronger to kill was no longer a factor, sometimes you had to do things that were basically pointless.

Well, it was that or sleep. But there were too many issues with that option. For one, it was six in the evening. Hitting the sack when the sun was still up just screamed "geriatric" to him, and grandfather Uchiha hadn't been someone Sasuke strived to emulate (he smelled a little strange and regardless of the next generation's accomplishments, it was never as good as it was "in my day." Weirdo). Another reason was that, if he slept now, he would just wake up around one in the morning, only to be alert for the remainder of the night and then have to get through his regular activities throughout the next day. And considering he had a short, crappy mission tomorrow, on top of training, that really didn't sound appealing. And if he was going to have to suffer through the ramifications of Naruto's idiotic fabrications—which he was sure he would—then he had to be in top mental form, which waking up at one in the morning wasn't going to ensure him. So, crappy, uninteresting, dusty, grimy, and all around useless scroll it was.

His fingers had just pried a section of the dry parchment from its rolled up position when a tell-tale "poof" sound came from his left, in front of the sliding doors to his balcony. The Uchiha didn't have to look up from the scroll—which was apparently a zoning manual, dictating the building codes for the structures in the Uchiha district—to know who had just illegally entered his house.

_Hmm… Saburou-san's house was _so_ in violation of code fifteen, section thirty-eight, amendment six. Tch. And he fancied himself an amateur architect. You'd have to be blind not to notice his property infringement. Honestly, it throws off the flow of the whole street. _

"Sasuke," a deep voice said, interrupting his thoughts on the _shameful_ disregard a second cousin—or…something—of his had shown for the Uchiha district building codes.

"You know, there's this thing called "privacy." Try respecting it sometime," he said breezily, eyes continuing to scan the stiff parchment.

_Yuudai-san, you too? My, my. What's the point of building codes if no one follows them?_

The unwelcome guest ignored Sasuke's very obvious order to get the hell out of his house. Kakashi had never been one to acquiesce to his students' simpler demands. It was his ignorance of the little things that pissed them off the most, after all, which only brought the Copy-nin the utmost amusement. Why yes, Kakashi was a sadist! How did you guess?

And that just might explain why he decided to initiate the following conversation. Because, in hindsight, Sasuke was certain the older nin just did it to quench his boredom and satisfy his sadistic tendencies. There was no way even Kakashi could have meant the crap he spewed. Which made it a good thing that Sasuke had already decided to play his own game with the situation.

_Screw you, _sensei_._

"I heard about your plans for Sakura, and I want you to stop and think about what you're about to do before you go through with it," the grey-head spoke, his voice as calm and apathetic as ever. But he didn't need to sound urgent for Sasuke to know his words held some measure of substance; the fact that the techniques specialist had gone to the trouble of coming to his house was evidence enough.

Sasuke almost laughed. "You're insane if you believe the dobe's retarded accusations."

"This isn't about Naruto," Kakashi answered, eye focused on his wayward student. A voice in the back of Sasuke's mind wondered at the curiously absent porn from his sensei's hand, but was quelled as the man continued, "I know what he's telling the entire village you're up to isn't true. But now that the thought is in your head, you're not going to be able to ignore it. You and ideas are a bad combination, Sasuke."

The Uchiha twitched at the mention of Naruto blabbing his ridiculous theory to the villagers, but opted not to express his building ire just yet. There were other ways to work with this…

"What idea?" he asked, though he had a pretty good idea of his own as to what it was.

"Holding Sakura to her promises, which she should never have made. Oh, look at the trouble it's gotten her into, now." The grey-head shook his head in disappointment.

"Trouble? I don't know what you're on, but it can't be healthy. I'm not thinking of holding Sakura to anything. That was Naruto's brain-dead brainwave."

"Yes, but now that idea _is_ in your head, where it will fester and spawn, fostering plans, which will lead to actions." He held up a finger of one of his gloved hands, staring at Sasuke with his serious grey eye. "But we both know that you're not qualified to perform those "actions," since you refused my tutelage in this matter when you were younger. And somehow I doubt that Orochimaru saw fit to teach you these sorts of techniques."

Sasuke frowned as his mind whirred to catch up to his old teacher's train of thought. "I refused…? What are you—" An ice river flowed down his spine as realization took hold. "No. You're not talking about—?"

Kakashi whipped out an orange, rectangular object and held it up like it were a long sought after trophy.

Triumphantly, he declared, "This will help you properly execute the "action" part of your plan. I won't have my protégé performing shoddily just because he was too proud and uptight to properly learn about the more _enjoyable_ aspects of life."

Sasuke was nearly having a coronary. "I don't need that! I don't _want_ that smut!" he fairly shrieked, despite all efforts to _bellow_ in manly indignation.

"You do if you want your plans for Sakura to go smoothly!" Kakashi countered, lecturing tone in place. "I will not have you be mediocre at something like this. Now, read the book. Allow Jiraiya-sama's sage wisdom to inspire and direct you."

"I already said I don't need that. I'm not pursuing Sakura, so you can take your porn and go."

"Sasuke, you don't have to lie to your old sensei," the Hatake placated. "I know a lost and listless man when I see him. We've all been there. But there's hope. Jiraiya-sama's words of divine wisdom can guide you through this." His face was fairly aglow with some holy glory the other male could only cringe at the thought of.

"Are you trying to convert me to your porno-religion, or something?" Sasuke grumbled, flicking the book away as Kakashi brought in near.

"You have no idea the wonders that _Icha Icha _can work in your life, Sasuke. It changed me!" he cried, ardent light positively gushing from his being.

"I believe it…" _Not exactly for the better, though_, he added silently.

"So, what do you say? You going to give it a try?"

"No."

Kakashi sighed, disappointed but not discouraged.

"Sasuke, I'm not kidding around here. This is important. Isn't Sakura worth it?"

"For the last time, I'm not trying to get together with Sakura. And even if I was, I still wouldn't read that trash. Besides, I've heard that it's full of contradictions."

A look of pure disbelief overtook the holy light on Kakashi's face as a long gasp stole his breath. "It is not! Jiraiya-sama's writing is _flawless_!" he shouted, eye wide and head shaking, clutching his precious porn to his heart.

"Well, his student begs to differ."

"You're trusting _Naruto's_ judgement?! I thought he was an idiot whose ideas were not to be trusted."

"Well, you're treating them like the great truth, so why not? Unless you're admitting that his ideas are stupid, and thus refuting your whole line of reasoning."

Kakashi shrugged off Sasuke's words with a flick of his hand. "It doesn't discredit my assertions. However ridiculous and unfounded Naruto's ideas may have been, it doesn't change the fact that once he accused you, those ideas entered your mind where they are now stewing, building themselves into fulfilling what is still just conjecture." He shifted forward, eye intense. "You don't realize it yet, but those ideas, of making Sakura make good on her promises, are going to sound very appealing to you. You're going to eventually rationalize that you have a _right_ to hold her to her word. And when she inevitably caves—because we all know she's only ignoring you because she thinks you hate her when you don't—this tutelage will be vital!" He snapped the tome in the air. "Do you want to disappoint her?"

Sasuke scoffed. "Who's to say I'll disappoint her? You don't know that."

Just then, a bright figure jumped over the rail of the balcony and threw open the sliding glass door to Sasuke's room. With a triumphant grin on his face, Naruto shouted, "Aha! You admit that you're after Sakura-chan!"

"I didn't say that!" Sasuke growled, having leapt from his seat at the blonde's intrusion. Seriously. It was _his_ freaking house, but they all just kept walking right in...

"You said, "I'll," which is "I will" in contractive form, meaning that you _will_, as in you're planning on it!" the jinchuuriki insisted, practically bouncing off the walls in his excitement at having caught his friend's "admission." "Pervert!"

"I didn't mean it like that!" the Uchiha snapped, staving off a heated blush for all he was worth.

"Freudian Slip! Freudian Slip!" Naruto chanted, pointing wildly at his target. "I caught you, teme!"

"No," Sasuke growled. "A Freudian Slip would be me saying, "I'm going to _kill_ you," when I really meant to say, "I'm going to _kick_ you."" His eyes narrowed dangerously as he continued, "Interestingly enough, I'm about to do both."

"Huh—Eep!"

* * *

"Sasuke-kun. What's with the rumours flying around town? People are saying that you're plotting to take advantage of me, or something."

"It's Naruto's fault. He had one of his demented epiphanies again."

"Oh… Why didn't you just tell him we're already together? It would have saved you a lot of trouble."

"Aa, but it pissed him off, which amused me. I can put up with the mild irritation of his spreading ideas if it angers him as much as it irritates me."

"You're so mean, Sasuke-kun. But I don't think that you'll be thinking the same way for long."

"How's that?"

"My parents heard about this…"

"Aa."

"My father is ready to put out a hit on you."

"Hn."

"I'm not joking, Sasuke-kun. He's got the contacts and everything. I think I heard him talking to a yakuza oyabun before I came here..."

"Small trifles."

"He's not impressed. I think we should just make it official."

"It is official."

"Publicly, I mean."

"But then Naruto would know that I wasn't trying to take advantage of you, and then where would my entertainment be?"

"You're so sick, Sasuke-kun."

"Well, sadism does run in my family. That's something you should probably come to terms with if this is going to continue."

"And what if I can't "come to terms" with it?"

A sly smirk twisted his lips. "Then I'll have to take advantage of you."

**Guttersnipe's Word: **There you have chapter six of AFoS. Please visit Mr. Clicky and drop a review. Thanks!

And because I doubt I'll have another update out before the end of 2008, I'll wish you a Happy Jesus Day (a.k.a. Christmas) and a Happy New Year, to boot! Later peeps!


	7. The Other Family of Sorts

A Family of Sorts

Disclaimer: I do not own _Naruto_. That copyright belongs to Masashi Kishimoto.

**Guttersnipe's Foreword:** Yes. It's the cliché "Sakura meets/gets captured by/has tea with Team Hebi" chapter. But it's cliché for a reason, people. That reason being Sakura + Suigetsu = Yayness! (Platonic Yayness!, mind you) and Suigetsu VS Karin is amusing. Please enjoy.

**Chapter 7: The Other Family of Sorts**

_This isn't good. What should I do? There are three of them; it's a small space. They obviously have the advantage._

_I could feint an attack and put a hole through the wall and run for it. That's really my only option for escape. I can't take all three at once. These people are—_

"Now, now, Leaf-nin-chan. There's no need for all the intense inner monologuing. We're not going to hurt you."

Sakura's eyes narrowed on the grinning man before her. "You almost took my head off two seconds ago!"

"Mah, mah," Suigetsu hummed, waving his hand lazily. "A twitch. It was just a twitch. I didn't mean it."

"Well, you'll forgive me for being slightly uncomfortable with being in close quarters with someone who has such an _unfortunate_ medical affliction," she snapped back, keeping wary eyes on the sword her nearest opponent was hefting with such disturbing ease.

"Aw." He feigned a hurt puppy look. "You know, for a medic-nin, your bedside manner kind of sucks."

"You're not my patient! And my bedside manner is just fine! Jerk."

"Tch. You're seriously tarnishing my image of Leaf-nin, Leaf-nin-chan," he cajoled, shaking his head as he "tsk, tsked" her. "Even Mighty Good Leader is softer than that."

"Oh, I'm sure he is," she mumbled under her breath, rolling her eyes.

"He is!" Karin insisted, her arms akimbo and her tone firm. "You would know that if you had anything to do with him—but, that's right! You don't. Because he has us now, and we _do_ know."

"Just because he has something new doesn't necessarily mean he traded up," Sakura muttered to the side, sighing mutely.

"Excuse me?!"

"Ha!" Suigetsu laughed, watching Karin's face with amusement. "Well, if you're talking about you two, I completely agree with you there, Leaf-nin-chan! This beast can't top a flower."

"Suigetsu! Shut the hell up!" the redhead screamed, cuffing him up the back of the head.

"You shut up!" the male shot back, swiping at her retreating arm. "You're not the boss of me, woman! Boss Man is!" A mischievous grin split his lips before he added, "Now, I'd believe that you're a _man_, but—"

With a howl of rage, Karin drop kicked Suigetsu in the face, which began an awkward scuffle between the two. A window broke. A few shelves fell from the walls.

Juugo watched them for a few moments, defeat slumping his shoulders a few degrees as he realized it would be up to him to stop this before it became a full-on battle to the death. Yes. The man who was prone to intense homicidal fits due to what basically amounted to a split personality was the level-headed one in their group. How sad were they?

"Suigetsu. Karin," Juugo called out, his deep voice reverberating off the shaking walls, as the two ninja attempted to decapitate each other. "We're supposed to be watching _Sakura-san_, not giving her openings to slip out by infighting."

Karin paused in her assault on Suigetsu's face with her boot, as their third teammate's words made her consider the consequences of losing their prisoner due to something as foolish as the situation they were currently in. Oooohh... There would be ticking eyebrows, she was sure. And a Death-to-All! © glare, no doubt. And possibly (gulp) verbal non-words of discontent, that were so much worse than actual worded threats. He would be pissed. That would be so _hot_...

While Karin got lost in her strange, strange world of angry, aggressive, perverted Sasukes, Suigetsu took that opportunity to remove himself from under the woman's boot and hopped up to his feet, massaging his scratched up face.

"That's right," he grunted, dusting himself off. "Can't let our little Leafy-chan fly off, now." Then he turned to Karin and added, "You know, watch dogs are more useful outside than in. So get to it."

"Just die you—!" she screeched, leaping with fingers poised to scratch her enemy's eyes out. He managed to dodge the fingers but was clipped by her knee, and thus began round two.

In his corner, Juugo face-palmed, as he quietly shook his head.

While half of the infamous Team Hebi fought like a couple of rabid ferrets in heat, Sakura chose that opportunity to make her getaway. The wall was only three feet away. All she need do was step over and crush a mere eight inches of concrete and she would be free to flee. Easy.

"Sakura-san. I know what you're thinking and I would ask that you not follow through with it."

She let out a frustrated sigh, before turning to face Juugo, who was much closer than he had been a moment ago. For a big guy, he sure was quick and quiet.

_It's always the quiet ones. They're the ones you need to watch._

The tall man's words must have alerted the other two to what they were missing, because their fight soon petered out in a smattering of slaps and hisses, before they put some distance between themselves and stole glances at Sakura, between evil eye staring contests with each other.

Setting her hands on her hips, Sakura stayed where she was, now a mere foot from the wall. They would have to drag her away from her spot; there was no way she was giving up the ground their squabble had allowed her to gain.

"What am I even here for, anyway?" she asked, her irritation quite obvious. "You're not grilling me for information, so what's the goal?"

"You asked El Capitan that already and he didn't tell you anything. What makes you think we'll tell you?" Suigetsu answered cheekily, while making a rude gesture at Karin.

The medic huffed quietly. "You don't know, do you?"

"Haven't got a clue," he answered easily, giving a sharp-toothed grin. "But my guess is, he just wanted something pretty to look at for a change." He made a distasteful face in Karin's direction.

Instead of leaping into a rage, the woman just scowled daggers of pure hate at her teammate and crossed her arms tighter across her chest before turning away, clearly cheesed off.

"She agrees," he added, thumbing in the redhead's direction.

"Suigetsu," the bespectacled kunoichi called out, ever so sweetly, a smile masking the venom she was about to spew. "I can't _wait_ until you bite the dust. I'm going to live next to where you're buried so I can desecrate your grave every morning."

He returned the sickeningly sweet smile and responded in an equally sweet voice, "Oh, Karin. When _you_ die, I _pray_ that you go to heaven. Because, though I'm going to hell, I know I can endure _anything _it offers, as long as you're nowhere in sight."

Sakura shook her head, mouth slightly agape. "Your camaraderie is awe-inspiring," she said quietly.

"We're tight," Juugo nodded, the flatness of his voice matching Sakura's.

Chakra had been slowly amassing in Sakura's fist, which she kept hidden behind her back. Just a little more and she would have enough to—

"Sakura-san," Juugo spoke, his tone almost a sigh. "We will not allow you to escape. If you become violent, we will have to restrain you."

"Yeah, yeah," Suigetsu called out from his new spot on a rickety chair in the far corner. "And I might take a few fingers as payment for our trouble." He flashed a toothy grin, those sharp teeth gleaming.

Karin snorted quietly. "Go for it, Suigetsu. I'm sure there won't be any horrible repercussions when Sasuke-kun gets back and finds out you mangled the prisoner."

"I'm pretty sure Sasuke-san would not be pleased if he returned to find her missing fingers," Juugo answered slowly, his wide brow furrowing at the thought, as it conjured unbidden images of more than just chopping a few fingers, but chopping limbs and ripping flesh and killing_killkillkill_— He shook his head and breathed deep. He could not lose control now. Sasuke wasn't here to stop it for him. He had to remain calm. Nice and calm. As long as no major violence occurred, he would be fine. He could handle it.

Oh, who was he kidding? If Suigetsu so much as gave someone a _paper cut_, he would lose it.

The swordsman was still defending his right to fresh fingers, as he insisted, "Admiral Angst didn't tell me I couldn't, though."

"Exactly," Karin agreed, nodding sagely. "I say try it out. I'm sure you won't be dead within the first two minutes of Sasuke-kun's return."

Their tall teammate gave a final shake of his head. "His menacing glare, right after you mentioned it the first time, did."

A longsuffering sigh pulled itself from the blue-haired male's frame. "He's such a spoilsport."

"Still, the dullard that you are can't be expected to be able to comprehend all of his nonverbal commands," the redhead insisted. "You could plead idiocy when he asks for an explanation."

Turning to the woman, Suigetsu said, "You know, you'd be an accessory if I did. And what would you plead? Hideousness? It's a good defence for you, but I don't think Oyabun-sama would go for it."

A resounding crash interrupted Karin's retort, as the floor shook and dust billowed throughout the room. Natural light filtered through the dust cloud, from a fresh hole in the previously pristine wall.

"Juugo?!"

"I have her!" he shouted. "Don't worry about it."

Shuffling through the debris, Suigetsu squatted down to study Sakura, who was pinned to the messy floor by Juugo's mutated arms.

"You're a tricky one, aren't ya?" He grinned for the umpteenth time, letting his shark teeth flash in the sunlight.

"Tricky?!" the pinkhead scoffed. "You two give me so many openings with your arguing, I'd be retarded not to take them!"

"True, I guess." He shrugged, straightening back up. "Unfortunately for you, Juugo is a pacifist. He won't get distracted and he's very determined to do as Captain Conniption says. In short, Leafy-chan, you won't be getting away."

She didn't answer, but continued to stew internally, as she started to her feet. Noticing the strange appendages restraining her, she raised a brow at the tall man they belonged to.

"Another one of Orochimaru's curse seals?"

He seemed to blanch slightly, as a small struggle within his mind showed in his eyes. "...Something like that..." he mumbled, before moving away a few steps.

She didn't ask anything more, but proceeded to shake debris out of her hair and clothes.

This was getting embarrassing. Stuck in some abandoned building with three _replacements_ and the _replacer_ wasn't even there! Off on some unfathomable trek that was only justified in his twisted mind, no doubt.

Ordering them to keep her there until he returned. What a joke. So help her, if he came back only to look at her with that infuriatingly blank gaze and say some retarded crap about having cut his bonds and telling her to stop chasing him, in that frustratingly vapid voice, she. would. snap. Not only was she tired of hearing that speech, she would be royally pissed that he had kept her freaking _prisoner_ just so he could tell her something she had heard a thousand times before.

_Oh, it had better not be that stupid speech again... I'll scream. I will seriously scream at him if he does. Stupid boy. Stupid pretty boy. Stupid pretty boy and his stupid purple rope-bow belt. I will tell him that. I'll tell him he's stupid. And pretty. No—not pretty. Just stupid. And I'll tell him his belt is stupid too, and most certainly not pretty. Yes. If he gives me that speech, I'll tell him that, and I'll tell him that I'll stop chasing him only if he gets a stylist to correct his horrible fashion choices. Oh, now I hope that stupid boy gives me that stupid speech, while he's wearing that stupid belt. It'll serve him right, shannaro!_

"Leafy-chan," Suigetsu drawled, lazily swinging his sword a few feet away. "With such a malevolent expression, I can't help but think you're planning on escaping again, and that simply will not do. We won't be distracted like that again, and so that only leaves you with one option. And are you _really_ going to take on all three of us at once?"

Her eyes narrowed, as her shoulders bunched slightly at the hidden insult. "If I have to," she answered defiantly, meeting his smiling gaze with as much confidence as she could pretend to possess. Hadn't she already ruled that option out? But she couldn't let them think she was some pushover. She _would_ fight them if it came to it. She was just hoping that the escape option worked before then.

"Look. Just the fact that you haven't put up a truly violent struggle yet, says that you trust Sir High an' Migh'y not to hurt you when he gets back, which means you don't feel nearly as threatened as you want us to think you are, which means you don't really have any intention of fighting us, because you don't entirely believe that you're in danger here. Face it; we make you feel safe."

Sakura's eyes nearly popped out of her head at his words. "Safe?! You have me prisoner—!"

"Pfft! Prisoner, she says!" he exclaimed with a laugh. Leaning in close, he continued, "If you were _my_ prisoner, you'd be hogtied and missing a few fingers already. Meanwhile, you don't even have your hands immobilized. All you have to do is sit pretty until Mighty Good Leader returns. _Then_ your situation might shift from guest to prisoner, depending on his mood, hormone levels, and how long it's been since he's eaten. You know, I find that he's a lot easier to approach just after he's had his meal. Calms his rage right down."

"You're insane, if you think I'm going to just "sit pretty" until Sasuke-kun gets back. I have things to do."

He watched her with calculating eyes. "But... Aren't you one of those Leaf-nins who are trying to get him back?"

Her reply was hesitant: He actually knew who she was, what she was about? "...Yes."

"Well, then isn't it better for you to stay? No more perfect opportunity for you, is there?"

There was nothing for her to say to that. It _was_ a perfect opportunity. The reasons for her to capitalize on this situation far outweighed the reasons against.

Having been watching her rapidly shifting facial expressions as she ran through her options and came to her decision, Suigetsu flashed another winning smile and said, "It's settled then! You can try to run away _after_ El Capitan returns."

"Actually, I would suggest that you not attempt to run then, either, Sakura-san," Juugo commented, from his post between her and the new exit she had created in the wall. "Sasuke-san is quite fast. You would only succeed in annoying him."

"Well, it wouldn't be the first time," she muttered ruefully. "And it would serve him right. He has certainly annoyed me with all this." Her furrowed gaze cast about at her surroundings, clearly displeased.

Suigetsu shuffled through one of the packs in the corner before he turned around and said, "Well, since Boss Man has decided I need to babysit you, how's about a good, wholesome game of strip poker?" He waved a deck of cards as he waggled his light brows suggestively.

Juugo looked torn between being scandalized and being terrified. "Do you _want_ him to torture you into an agonizing death?"

"What he doesn't know won't hurt me," Suigetsu answered with a shrug.

"Oh, _he'll_ know about it," Karin muttered under her breath. She then added, in a louder voice, "So I say go for it!" while pleasant images of Sasuke chopping a screaming Suigetsu into itty bitty pieces danced about in her mind.

Sakura stared, with eyebrows raised high, at the bluehead before her. "You're kidding," she blurted out.

"No. I'm pretty much serious here." He nodded his head, agreeing with himself. "After staring at that dog over there for so long," he gestured at Karin, "I'm concerned my libido may have died. You'll be helping me revive it. Are you nervous about me seeing you all exposed?" His grin turned slightly lascivious at the comment.

"No," she sniffed. "I wouldn't lose."

"Uncomfortable with seeing a _man_ naked?" The grin became even more lewd.

She scoffed at the other ninja's attempts at embarrassing her. "I'm around naked people for a large part of the day," she replied, matter-of-factly.

"Really?" He seemed genuinely surprised by that bit of information. "What, do you work in a strip club, or something?"

"She's a medic, you retard!" Karin shouted, staring at her hated teammate in incredulity. "Where do you _think_ she works?"

The male hesitated a few moments, his mind clearly having difficulty leaving the strip club theory. But, it did eventually hit home, as he slowly hummed, "...Oohhh, the hospital! Right!" Flashing a smile, as though that erased the entire misunderstanding, he got back to the topic at hand. "So? What do you say?" A crisp "fwwwiiip" sound followed his words, as he thumbed the cards.

With a decisive thought she answered, "You should turn up the heat, because you're going to be very chilly in a few minutes," before plunking herself down on the floor, where they would play—round two of Karin and Suigetsu's brawl had claimed the room's only table as collateral damage.

"Oh ho? So confident, Leafy-chan!" he commented, seating himself across from her before beginning to deal. "I'll have you know, this is a _man's_ game, and as such, I will be the one winning here."

"Chauvinism won't make up for lack of skill, you know."

"You'll see, Leafy-chan. You'll see."

* * *

Five rounds in, and things weren't looking too hot for Suigetsu, though they _were_ looking exceptionally hot for anyone who was interested in male anatomy. (Karin _claimed_ that she was going outside to check the perimeter, but that didn't explain why a red head kept popping up and then ducking down outside the windows, the face aflame in a blush.)

"Feeling the heat yet, _Babysitter_-san?" Sakura goaded, rearranging her cards. "Oh, that's right! With what little you have on, you're probably freezing! We could start a fire, if you'd like."

"I'm fine, Leafy-chan," the swordsman gritted out, barely hiding the shiver that was futilely attempting to shake off the cold that was assailing his bared body. He would _not_ give her the satisfaction! He was going to win this! There would be _hotness_ to be had today! And it would come in the form of a naked or semi-naked girl, so help him Kubikiri Hocho!

From the sidelines, Juugo had been watching the entire game, being quite intrigued by it, since he had never seen it played before. It seemed slightly ridiculous to him—what would Sakura-san or Suigetsu want with clothing for the opposite sex? It seemed a strange thing to play for.

Whatever his intentions were, Suigetsu was clearly having his butt handed to him. He had been so confident at the start, yet there he was, shivering in nothing but blue, frog printed boxers.

"You're cheating and you're still losing," Juugo mumbled, as he leaned over to peek at Suigetsu's hand. He had no idea if what he was looking at was a high or low hand, but he was compelled to study it anyway. There seemed to be a lot of black, a lot of spades, and oddly enough, they were numbered in sequence, though Suigetsu didn't have them arranged as such. Casting a sceptical look at his teammate, he asked, "Have you even played this game before?"

"Of course I have!" Suigetsu snapped back, with a huff. He continued to rearrange his cards, apparently unable to decide where to stick that six of spades. "And just because I'm losing doesn't mean I'm _losing_," he continued, suddenly finding a need to defend his poker prowess. "I'm just lulling her into a false sense of comfort, before I pounce! I have her right where I want her. Soon, I'll turn the tables on her, and she won't know what hit her. Oh, those clothes will come off, all right. Yes they will." He chuckled quietly, a queer look in his eye as he grinned at his waiting opponent.

"Are you going to be ready sometime this century, Frog Boy?" she hummed, tapping the floor with a fingertip.

"Oh, I've been ready for a while, Leafy-chan. I was just giving you some time to enjoy the warmth of your clothes before I take them from you."

"Mmhmm. Let's see it, then."

Suigetsu set down his cards with a showy flourish. "Straight flush, dear Leaf-nin-chan! A straight flush of victory! Now take 'em off!"

Sakura jerked slightly, eyeing the other player's cards carefully. The worry in her eyes was exactly what Suigetsu had been waiting for. Who was feeling the heat now?!

The look vanished in an instant as the pinkhead smiled downright evilly and set her cards on the floor for all to see: a royal straight flush. "Annnd that would mean your lovely frog gitch is now mine."

A flash of red and a muffled moan of, "Oh, yes! Take it _all_ off!" came from outside the window to her right.

"BUT!" she quickly continued, seeing the male begin to disrobe a little _too_ eagerly for Sakura's comfort. "Seeing as I'm in a particularly generous mood and the game is over anyway, you may _keep_ that on your person." It was more of an order than it was an offer.

"Yes ma'am," Suigetsu spoke demurely, as he pulled the waistband up higher, to which an agonizing moan of, "Nooo! Show momma the love!" sounded from just outside the hole in the wall.

As luck would have it, Mighty Good Leader himself decided to return at that particular moment and was greeted with the sight of a nearly demolished room that was sporting a new exit that hadn't been there before, and Sakura tossing a mass of clothing in the face of a near-naked Suigetsu, who was straightening his underwear. Bewildering? Yes. Yes it was.

Noticing Sasuke's return, Suigetsu grinned easily, apparently not noticing how this situation looked from the other man's view from the door, as he pulled on his pants and pointed at Sakura, commenting, "She's good! She _is_ good!"

Sasuke blinked a few times at the grinning man, suffering through one of those rare moments in life where absolutely no thought exists in your mind, and you're left to stare listlessly about until Reality deigns to raise its blessed hand and slap you in the face with something that, thankfully, makes sense.

Because, really, _what_ was he supposed to think? He came in and was met with the glaring sight of _Sakura_ with a naked man. Where was his mind supposed to go with that scenario? Certainly not into any territory that Sasuke wanted to visit.

Thankfully, Reality's backhand came crashing down on Sasuke's consciousness before it could venture into that territory known as "Horrible, _Horrible_—and Awkward—Misunderstandings." It came in the form of a pile of cards strewn across the floor in front of Sakura's cross-legged form, and a side comment made by Juugo, to Suigetsu.

"So, _when_ exactly did you turn the tables on her? Because I'm fairly certain this would be considered a flawless victory in her favour."

"I almost had her," the swordsman grumbled, fighting with his tangled up shirt.

"You didn't even win so much as her arm guard," Juugo insisted, giving the other man a reproachful look. "It's a good thing you weren't playing for money; she would have cleaned you out. And you're lucky she's nice; she didn't have to give you your clothes back, you know. She technically owns them now."

The cards...

They were betting clothes...

A little light of understanding went on in Sasuke's head.

They were playing strip poker and Sakura obviously took Suigetsu for all he was worth, thus the near-nakedness. That was all. Nothing _majorly_ inappropriate... No need for killing intent or for killing _period_.

_Still..._

Sasuke's eyes narrowed ever so slightly on the now-dressed swordsman.

_Note to self: Never leave Suigetsu alone with Sakura _ever again_._

Glancing at Sakura from the corner of his eye, his thoughts started whirring yet again.

_Second note to self: Learn how to play strip poker._

**Guttersnipe's Word:** Yes. Team Hawk is semi-related to them, too...I guess. I mean, if _Sai_ counts... They're like the cousins you don't really know that well and don't really want to know well and you're not really comfortable with them, but your mom says that they're family and you have to treat them like you care and makes you feel guilty if you don't go to their weddings, even though, as stated earlier, you don't know them that well and don't feel comfortable with them, and then one of your siblings decides to move to the town where they live and gets in good with them, so then you're left with this, like, _obligation_ to be closer and friendlier and _cosier_ with them, all because your freaking brother had to go and draw them in to your part of the family, so that now you're stuck sitting through some soul-numbing account of some person's kid's friend's cousin's aunt's dog's previous owner's sister's ordeals with faulty coffee makers and _wishing_ on every star, horseshoe, and green leafy thing that could pass for a four-leaf clover that you see, for some cataclysmic event to crash down upon you and force you to return to your home and prevents you from ever being able to visit them ever again. But you'll write. _Of course_ you'll write...


End file.
